Goodbye golden dream machine!

So much, yet so little, has happened in the last couple of months. In many ways it seems life has not progressed at all; my ability to cope has improved massively, yet I often feel as bereaved as ever. At these times the severity and suddenness of grief is overwhelming. A couple of weeks ago I was poleaxed, without forethought or warning, brought to my knees by wracking tears, fighting to maintain a grip on my sanity. And I kid you not, I thought I'd moved past such uncontrollable emotions, it really took me by surprise. The funny thing is, I don't feel I want to lose that sense of loss, whether or not I acknowledge the need to move on. I don't want to lose the rest of my life to such harrowing grief, but nor do I want to forsake the myriad thoughts and memories of Cai. I want to turn those thoughts and memories into smiles and lovely feelings for the wonderful times I got to share with Cai.

The presentation of my slide show went extremely well, so well in fact I found it hard to accept the praise heaped upon me. For me it was important to systematically relive my journey, but only the physical aspect of it. I'm not sure it makes sense, there was a need to separate the physical and emotional aspects. While travelling everything was wrapped up in an emotional quagmire, emotions dictated where, when and how everything occurred. Since returning home I've been unable to recount the physical journey without being embroiled in the emotions again. I needed to rectify this, I wanted to share the many wonderful photos, the experience untainted by grief. It done it for me, it seemed to for those attending. So thank you for coming, it was a pleasure for me, very therapeutic!

Despite my Kawasaki being home I haven't managed to get it registered for the UK yet, a combination of me being lethargic and over zealous jobs worthies in the vehicle inspectorate. It would have been lovely for people to have seen it parked outside for my presentation, legalities wouldn't allow though, I didn't want to risk running foul of the law really. As it turned out it was good everyone got to see my Triumph before I wrote it off! Yes, my lovely yellow peril has bitten the dust! It came off so much worse than me, I only have a broken wrist, the triumph is not looking good. A council van swept in from the side of the dual carriageway forcing me into the central barrier, ouch! So, at least six weeks in plaster caste and an enormous amount of frustration at not being able to do anything. Oh well, I guess I won't have to go through the process of selling it now! that is of little consolation. Hopefully by the time I get my caste off the kwacker will be registered, then let the fun begin.

Do I sound complacent about being involved in yet another accident? I've lost my son, done in my knee and now broken my wrist; all due to motorcycle accidents! The common question has been, "don't you think there's a lesson in there?" There may well be for some, I have more resilience though. A crucial question for any accident involving more than vehicle is, "who's fault was it?" Honesty here is vital, if you are not honest you're travelling down the road to certain extinction, especially being a bike rider. There are safe parameters when riding, this doesn't mean nothing can happen, you can never guarantee that. Optimised, these give you the best chance of survival, minimised and you're constantly exposed to serious injury. There are many levels in between these two extremes. I know I have a reckless nature, but I try to keep this within safe margins when riding. I can't always predict what another road user is going to do, as I'm more at risk I try very hard to make allowances for the most incompetent reaction from other drivers. At times I can be slightly more lax, but that doesn't mean I have caused the accident, my only fault being I didn't predict and act according to avoid it.

Disabled or not, I've decided to accept a very kind offer to come away on holiday to Cyprus. A fortnight to kick back and relax, which is good as I can't do a lot more. We're lucky really, our villa is in a very quiet part of the north island. We may well be within a small estate of British ex-pats, luckily most villas have yet to be moved onto and they have all been finished. Driving around the coast there are many areas of really gross development, another victim of massive expansion of rich Europeans taking advantage of cheap accommodation to invest in. As is so often the case, it is fast becoming a little Britain, they rarely integrate or adopt the local language. So the Turk Cypriots who learn English benefit immensely, they get more than their fair share of trade. How long before the local populace realise their culture is being lost to the influx of foreign nationals? How much of their beautiful island has to be lost to foreign money before they realise the environmental devastation.

I must be fair, it isn't just Brits, there is a general exodus from Europe into poorer, less developed countries. It is just happening at a phenomenal rate here, Thailand is the only other
place I've seen it on such a massive level. Both these places sport continuous blocks of newly developing accommodation to satisfy the craving of foreigners. Both seem oblivious to the effect on the general populace, it isn't the normal every day people who benefit here, they're priced out the market. They don't even get much of the work supposedly brought into the country, ex-pats do like sticking together!

A long way down, but digging in the heels!

Compared with the journey I've just made, being home has proved more effective in beating me down and keeping me there. My emotions have plummeted, there has been no enthusiasm for life, or sense of purpose. I've been sucked into the quagmire where, with a gallant effort, I'm trying my damnedest to keep my head above the surface. Why I bother is beyond my comprehension; but I will not just curl up and let my spirit die. Believe me, I feel like doing just that, but still something inside refuses to give up. I don't want to drift into an empty, thankless life; I don't want to fade into obscurity, another victim of Cai's accident. I'm very much in the here and now, which explains the disparity of emotions, I believe in moving on, though without Cai....

A day can pass without me even realising it! If I allow it the months would fly by with me in emotional torpor. Being aware of impending financial pressure does not worry me unduly, I just don't give a damn! For days on end I've lazed around, not wanting to do anything, achieving nothing and caring even less. This is another aspect of grieving, something else to contend with on the road to healing. Never a willing participant in life's boring, mundane demands, it is these that leave me wanting to cop out. I still have my moments of unadulterated tears, but those I can handle, it's the hum-drum nature of everyday life that I can't be bothered about. I just want to sell the house and caste off into a new life!

One thing I have learnt while travelling the Americas was acceptance, there is no point in denial, you have to face your shit eventually. Which is why it was time to come home! It's also wise to recognise things you have no control over, issues you can do nothing about. It's no good beating yourself up over things you can't change, save the effort for what you can effect. And so I find myself not feeling bad over issues of Cai's death, yet dissatisfied due to my lack of motivation. Distractions are the best I can hope for right now; even if it only means a few hours working in the garden, that's an achievement. Things are getting organised, I am improving my property to sell, I'm exercising regularly and looking after my health. Hey, I've even earned some money! I've built a lovely fence and been flashing my bits at artists, so I'm not a total sluggard.

It's touching to see the people who's thoughts and feelings are with me, even the well wishes of strangers around the village are consoling. The involuntary cringing at the sight of casual acquaintances has diminished, gone are the feelings of awkwardness. I'm happy to excuse myself, if that's the way I feel. I guess I'm slightly in danger of being contented in my head space, it's copable with, but there is still so far to go. I've a strong need to talk about Cai with people, not avoid the subject, that's as if Cai never existed. I can't handle the feeling that people are worried about upsetting me, afraid to broach a sensitive subject and cause me grief. HELLO!! Cai dying was the greatest loss of my life, why would I not want to share memories of him? I need to integrate his memories into my new life, which is the only way forward. How long this process of grieving goes on for is any one's guess, I don't concern myself with such questions, just get up in the morning and face the day! And hey, the sun's out, the countryside is beautiful and I've now got two bikes to ride.

Yep, the beast has arrived home! My bike has finally reached me in North Wales, it's only taken since mid-February, nearly three months. It was with great excitement that I laid into the packing crate, so much so the driver got well away and left me to it. Mind you, he nearly put a hole into his own roof in his enthusiasm to wreck the remaining crate. It only took one push of the button, once I disengaged the kill switch, for the bike to start; believe me, that put a smile on my face! So how nice is it to have my tried and tested, dirty beast back? It feels weird after thrashing the pants off my lean, mean, racing machine. Hmmm, I pulled back the throttle and nothing seemed to happen!

Since arriving home the desire to get writing again has been put off, lethargy has got the better of me, which I must be honest about. It's therapy for me, it helps, and yet the words have eluded me. There again, I must be honest with myself; I have not had the enthusiasm to sit down and allow it to flow. The main excuse has been the absence of my hand written personal journal (did you really think I would tell you everything?), not any more, it arrived safely with the bike today! So there we go, no more excuses, the only thing to stop me now is my own strength and determination. I'm not stupid enough to claim there is no way except up, but up is the direction I'm looking in now. I know many have been waiting, wondering what comes next, concerned for my welfare, or eagerly awaiting the next episode of..........(Oops, started building up for a very dramatic ending there, but my heart isn't quite in it yet!)I haven't gone to ground, you don't get rid of me that easy, I'm just taking my own sweet time.

LAND OF DREAMS
A slide show and description of my journey is to be shown:

6.00 pm - Thursday 22nd May

Y Caban,
Brynrefail,
Nr Llanberis

Should I go or should I stay....

Fact: the passage of time invariably seems to pass much quicker the older we get. The theory behind this concerns our heart rate; the slower the rate at which our hearts beat, the faster our perception of time's passage. When we're young our hearts beat faster, time drags. Getting older the heart slows down, there is more time between heart beats, our perception is that time goes quicker. Bearing this in mind, I can only expect time to be moving at a fair rate. Maybe this is the method by which my future will be dictated. Me lacking motivation, getting little done, living in a daze and weeks passing whilst I loiter ineffectively.

This isn't the way I want my life to continue, I need to feel more productive, a benefit to the society around me in some way. Yet I can't be arsed at all! I know such feelings are inevitable, I know I must work through them. BUT WHY? What is the point? For many of us the point of existence lays in those we love, to provide for and protect them. I can understand that, it's a delight to see loving parents doing the most for their kids, watching them grow and develope into individuals. Parenthood isn't for us all, positive parenting for fewer. For some of us it becomes the most important aspect of our lives! I think we're the lucky ones, we do it for love and respect, not just for duty.

What happens when we are torn apart from those loved ones? Where can we find a place for that love? How can that void be filled? How do we apply ourselves to a life without reason? The list of questions is infinite, I have no answers though! Life will never be the same again, should I therefore create change where-ever possible, to help the natural process? I've long believed all life is transient, we should accept change, even welcome it. The pieces to this particular puzzle no longer fit together, they should do, when you look at it philosophically. What a shame emotions and the intellect are at such odds, what a shame mending a broken heart isn't as easy as willing it better! Things don't happen over night, sorry Jean Luc I can't make it so. I wish I could, I wish I could start filling that void, finding some purpose for my future. Maybe a purpose for each individual day would be a good start, even one occurrence that brought a heartfelt smile to my face, warmth into my heart; wouldn't that be nice?

Riding my bike has been the essence of my life for the last seven months, my daily therapy. I wasn't going to wait six weeks to ride a bike again, it may well be cold, wet and miserable, but I wanted to be straddled over a bike. So I got myself a sexy beast. It started by looking at sleek race machines, with plenty of grunt. Then Triumph Daytona's got my attention, and I found this wee beauty. I guess it came down to the matter of style, I'm afraid to say the new Triumphs and Italian bikes have it, Japanese bikes don't. Race machines aren't my usual style though, I've never had a modern one before and never one with this amount of power. Never before have I owned a machine that made me wonder the G-force under acceleration. Change, that's what it was about! I wanted something different, I wanted a bike to put a huge grin on my face, I wanted to scare and excite myself, both at the same time. That was the theory anyway; in reality it didn't scare the pants off me, it didn't have me whooping with delight. It's pleasant to ride, the acceleration is pretty awesome, big deal!

It's not as if I'm sat doing naff all, though taking a couple of weeks to motivate myself, I have starting getting fit again. A means to an end! Rigorous exercise creates endorphins, they improve our feel good factor, enough said! It may not be much to start with, but it is a start, and it feels significant to me. There again, anything we know is good for us, yet takes a determined effort to initiate, is constructive and should leave us feeling we've achieved something positive. It certainly beats sitting at home in the doldrums! It is surprising how easy it is for the days to slip away, I spend half of them in a daze, and they're the good ones. Some start bad and just carry on like that, the whole day. It becomes tedious, no thoughts take away the tears, no words dull the pain, no-one can make it feel better for me. Sounds a load of self pitying bollocks really, but this is life, at least my life, at present.

Riding or walking I can't help noticing the lovely views which surround my home environment. This is an essential part of what has kept me living in North Wales for so long, the countryside is beautiful! It only take a few minutes walking before being able to stand and gaze at the mountains, the coast, Penrhyn castle, wooded hillsides and green fields; all from the same spot. Little wonder I need to travel to such lengths, to improve on it. Few places are more beautiful, but this is a small part of a small world. I feel exposed walking around, everyone knows me, knows what happened, pities me. I've found myself walking hunkered down into my collar, head down, shoulders slumped. This isn't the me I know, nor the person I want to be. I'm used to being there, in the present, head held high, confident, striding along. Hmmm, what was that about the transience of life? We can't stop change, but we can steer it, surely!

Home coming......

Aaaug! A week at home, what’s my world doing to me? Constant reminders of Cai ensure memories dominate my thoughts, control my emotions. There isn’t anywhere that doesn’t initiate thoughts of him, I must be very lucky these memories are good ones. Actually luck has nothing to do with it, there never were bad memories of Cai; never really had any bad experiences with him. So I don’t have guilt gnawing at my soul, no barrage of what, ifs. There is no denying the series of events that leaves me without my son, the truth has sunk in, every last, painful, little, bit! So I’m left with the sadness, the gentle tears, the fond memories. My immediate concerns are dealing with these; not shying away from sorting out his computer files, not ignoring that video of him competing in a climbing competition, not resisting, facing it all, smiling at it all. At least not grimacing!

There’s no doubt about it, being home is comforting, it’s good to be around old friends again. North Wales always seems to have a certain reassuring factor, returning finds you welcomed back into the fold, without delay or fuss. It doesn’t change too much, life plods along without many major events, no great cataclysms. Departing may be easy, returning is even easier, just slide back home, it’s as if you’d never been away. Damn, if only my whole life hadn’t been ripped asunder, turned inside out and spat out, into a barren wilderness! If only it could be just the same, what a happy person I’d be then! But happiness isn’t on the agenda, it’s not within my grasp, emptiness and tears are my true companions. Sounds sad doesn't it? And I guess it is, but it's what life has dealt me for now, so I'd better just get on with it.

The beauty of travelling was the ease at which I could deceive myself. Even momentarily, a respite from reality was always a stone’s throw away. I could become a normal person, just another wayward soul, I chose my own reality. There is no hiding now, my whole environment is that which I shared with Cai, for many happy years. Now I’m faced with life, with no meaning; a void that cannot be filled! Rather than boredom it’s almost envy with which I see friends. Hours of the mundane fill their lives, work, kids and school, domestic strife. What colour scheme do we want this year? Where shall we go in the summer? It must be really nice to be thus sheltered from the big wide world. And yes, I do envy them their simple lives! I do so wish I could fill my own with such trivial matters, I do wish I could banish the pain with a bigger, faster bike. I could run again, but I couldn’t hide, not now! Now, my stubborness is starting to kick in, I won't give up, I won't be beaten; to whatever end, I need to sort out the life I once had in Tregarth. Say goodbye, and move on!

I shouldn’t judge myself harshly, I’ve barely gotten over jet lag, have a miserable head cold and it’s freezing outside. OK, so I like the snow laden hills, strangely though I have little enthusiasm for a walk. Being alone is hard, though being with others can be just as difficult. There is so much ground to cover, so many tales of travel and adventure, it can be hard remembering seven months and 16,000 miles though. It’s almost as if that never happened, since Cai died I’ve just been in limbo, waiting to face what was once home. It doesn’t feel a home anymore, not our home anyway! Early days it may well be, but this couldn’t be a real home for me anymore.

Maybe I need a fresh start, maybe I need to leave it all behind, so far I couldn’t begin to comprehend my needs. My grief may be calm and gentle for me now, but the emptiness is so much deeper, the sadness a constant companion! I have my house, my broken old bike, many good friends, and the well wishes of everyone. I'm sure, with these basics, I can get along! There is certainly no point in moping around, feeling sorry for myself; that'll achieve nothing!

Full circle.....where now?

Playing croquet in the park, life goes round full circle; or so it seems! The way I felt on Wednesday, made it seem so. Did I really think I'd come so far in the last seven months? Cai's birth date made it all too clear, the depth of devastation will not go away; it sits there, awaiting the next chance to rear it's ugly head. Let it flow, don't resist, it's good for you! In all honesty, being totally overcome by grief in no way feels good. Frightening, desperate, inconsolable, yes! Not good; though indisputably, it helps in the long run. How bloody long? That's all I'd like to know!

Maybe the rain and cold detract from my return, maybe my addiction to vitamin D is too acute to deal with life in temperate zones. Isn't a lack of it supposed make us susceptable to depression? Isn't is peculiar, so much shit and my mind ponders whether I'm happier in the sun. I guess distraction serves it purpose! The more important questions have no answers, they depend on my head space once home. Strange, I've never been the sort of guy to get hung up on the boring and mundane! So what makes me feel ready to deal with it now? Bugger all really, home represents friends and family. Decisions have been based on dealing with the emotions and memories associated with being at home, there ain't any desires to tackle life full on again. Give me a way to survive without giving myself over to everyday existence, I'll be your willing participant. I don't want to wear myself out in the pursuit of financing my life, of paying for a house devoid of emotional reward.

I still wish I could curl up in a corner and ignore everything! What a pity I'm not made that way, it would certainly take away the pressure. I can run, but I can't hide; 16000 miles and seven months on the road have proved that. Did I really expect to miraculously shrug off my loss and regain normality? If I did I'm a fool! That wasn't the case though, my only thoughts suggested a life time of turmoil. "Normal" never really described my lifestyle, why should it be now? Without arguement, this will change my life forever. Does it need to change my philosophy on life too? Of course, now I should become the devoted worker, the grateful employee; pleased when gratified, overwhelmed at promotion! Cai would be appalled with me, as I would myself!

Here in Ojai the kids have a weeks holiday, family life, normality! I'm numb, can't imagine feeling free enough to participate fully in such things. Now the determination to keep travelling has gone, I've not found anything to replace this preoccupation. I'm in limbo, neither here nor there, and I don't expect a return home to instantly change this. I've accepted life must go on, but I have no enthusiasm for it! Determination doesn't come into it, it's more like resignation; gone are the feelings of purpose! Its nothing new though, as I progressed through Central America I settled into a dogged refusal to give up. The wonders I beheld were experienced with an empty heart, without the awe I'd been filled with through the Rockies. Despite the sun and gorgeous beaches I lost my momentum, my drive. In the Rockies the natural wonder of my surroundings was awesome, it moved me to such heights. Somewhere between Guatemala and Panama my drive diminished, my sense of purpose shifted. I began to question my blinkered view of this trip, mind you I questioned everything. I had no answers to any questions, the more I thought the more confused I became! My mental faculties were incapable of confronting the onslaught, I needed to deal with my emotions, not a barrage of conflicting thoughts. Barriers have gently, subtly engulfed me, cushioning me emotionally. There is a gentle, caring side to us all, mine has been busy tending to it's own needs. Thankfully!

Life, love and emotions don't just stop; how nice it would be if they did. To step off the edge of the world and succumb to the void, is that giving up and selling yourself short. I remember being so afraid of the eternal void that filled views of the future, am I now welcoming it, waiting to throw myself over the precipice? To find something to give new meaning to life would be great, not that it could so simple. A shame that! so, empty, devoid of emotion I return home. There is a lot to do, even if there's little I wish to bother with. Maybe, somewhere down the line something will initiate a new sense of purpose; I hope so! Life will be what we make of it, or so I'm told; but it isn't only up to ourselves. Much is dependant on those we interact with, unless we care not! However much I might wish to continue with no regard to others, this is not my approach to life. I may wish to remain self obsessed; actually no I don't! I wish I could find new meanings in life, I hope I can be open to the opportunities presented by life. If I wilt and droop kick me up the arse, don't let me become a person who would cause concern for my son. Don't let me give up, I deserve better than that!

Happy Birthday Cai!!

A more glorious time has never been spent, than the years since Cai came into my life! It's little doubt today would be awash with emotions, but it's like being back at day one again. Life must go on though! Why? I couldn't tell you! Some part of me keeps digging deeper, finding sources of strength I wouldn't have thought I had. Stomach knotting surges of emotions are hard to release, gentle tears one minute, wracking sobs the next. Jesus, I thought I'd passed through all this, thought I'd come out the other side. Naa, just another level!


However hard it might be, I've got to look at Cai's life as a positive thing; not concentrate on the pain of my loss. When Cai was born I was delighted, willing to wait my turn to bond. It was hard to compete with a full breast, I envied Gabrielle her closeness to our new born son; yet was quite chuffed there was little I could do to placate a hungry young lad in the middle of the night. All I can say is our bond grew stronger and stronger, for the rest of his days. How could I not treasure those years, they were the best I ever had; whatever distractions swept through my life at times.


I'm proud to have been able to father a son like Cai, I've never had as close a friend. As he grew, so did I! It was a delight to share the early learning curve with him, fun to help decipher his early attempts at logic. It always amazed me the meticulous way he worked things out, always perfectly logical, if only there wasn't that simple little flaw. As often as not his bedtime stories bore such titles as, "101 Scientific Facts", but balanced with a good dose of, "Horrid History". His preschool years were great, we had all the time in the world! Swimming, hours of walks, friends to visit,there was always plenty to do. I can remember the effect of his dimples had on the women in countries we visited they would really mollycoddle him; making gooey mothering noises at him, whilst stroking his dimples. He used to get so embarrassed by it!


It was like a second shildhood for me, I got to do all the exciting things I couldn't as a child, and share all the stupid things kids aren't normally allowed to do. Swimming, sledging, blading, diving, climbing, travelling, kiting, buggying, playing with fire poi, making napalm, blowing up various toys; it was great fun, I guess I was most parents nightmare with kids! I still maintain kids should be free to experiment, to push the limits a bit; it's the only way to learn. Mishaps are a fact of life, the further you push your boundaries, the narrower the margins of safety. There's too much life out there to protect kids from, they need to learn how to cope with it themselves. Even down to the toddlers wielding machetes in Central America, or their slightly older siblings lobbing firecrackers everywhere, kids need to learn for themselves. They are then better equipped to make informed decisions, especially as they grow into their teens, when their decisions often concern sex, drugs, street violence etc.


To me, Cai had the world at his fingertips, everything going for him! Of course I'd think that though! It means a lot to know there are many people who are truly touched by knowing Cai, and I know he doesn't go forgotten. Being such a glowing example for many, our relationship can live on. If people use us as an obtainable, ideal, father son relationship I would be honoured. Personally, I would like to look back without petty guilt feelings; damn, if I could only have reached perfection! I can't change anything though, no point in being miserable at how I wish I'd acted. This trip has shown me many marvels, given untold experiences, and done so with an empty heart! Would you sell your soul to the devil? I happily would, I'd instantly swap for Cai's life! Unfortunately that isn't the way it's done. Stiff upper lip, pretend you're fine and carry on as normal. Bollocks, let it out; if it means that much too you, wear it with pride!


I look into the future with a great deal of uncertainty, but at least I look into it now! Life can never be the same, or mean as much, but it does continue for me. Wasting my life away in a constant state of emotional upheaval will achieve nothing, for anyone. So whether it is with relish, or pain, I need to venture once more into the unknown. Whatever thoughts and ideas I had previously seem moot points, none were envisaged to include losing Cai, though all are still possible! Only time will tell, it's already helped tremendously, I pray it will continue to do so. Of course, that is only a figure of speach; I don't want to give you the wrong idea here! Thank you for sharing some thoughts with me today!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAI......wherever you are!

Homeward bound, for better or worse...

I don't know about riots, but the demonstrations seem intimidating enough! Just being on the street while it goes by felt dodgey, probably not as risky as it felt though. Those on the edges of the crowd were scawling along the pavement, looking for what, I don't know. My camera stayed in it's bag, that much I can assure you. The Policia kept well away, apparently they shot someone a couple of days before; which is what lead to the first riot. Construction workers have been lobbing bricks and stuff off part constructed high rises, dodging the tear gas, enthusiastically provided by the Police.

A clip on the news showed police firing up at the buildings with automatic weapons, during the demonstration it was less foreboding weaponry they were toting. We are talking about a city where cops ride two up, machine gun carried on the back. So, I guess a ninja cop loitering on a street corner is nothing, really. Hey, our local traffic cops go around in flak jackets, side arms strapped on; Same type of people, where ever you go! Some people just need to intimidate, they need to be on a power trip! It's obvious we need protectors in our modern society, but why do we pick such knob heads to do the job?

Without the energy to do much, a couple of lazy days have been spent before leaving the city. It didn't stop me trying for a few photos around the streets. With a flight booked to LA, there was nothing else to do once the bike was picked up. Seeing the bike being driven away was a touch sad, my constant companion for many months. To think, I won't see it for another six weeks, poor thing. And I found out why it's been cutting out in the heavy rain, it only needs a very simple adjustment to a pipe coming off the carburetor. Brilliant, I wasn't looking forward to riding at home, much too much rain for the way it's been behaving.

Using a booking agent has made the paperwork for export easy, not quick, but easy! All I had to do was follow their car around the city, stopping at the appropriate offices; waiting for the necessary beaurocracy was the hard bit. When I lost my guide the fun could have started, instead I stopped and waited, they found me! No doubt about it, navigating around the city is the hard part, with a vehicle to follow it's a breeze! An initial visit to a any new city is awful, no idea where you are, where you want to be, or how to get there! My usual way is to find a place, that isn't too daunting, get off the bike and ask a few people. I guess you get a feel for such things, I've never really gone too far wrong that way.

Only in the most touristy of areas have I seen Panama hats for sale, and then with signs forbidding taking photos. I was stunned, they all displayed the same notice; it must be a common desire. What a great excuse for not bothering, they're not the type of hat I'd like wearing, it just isn't me! Each to their own though, and this guy is welcome to his own! In fairness though, it suits him and his style of dress so much more than it would me; Oh woe, I'm beside myself!! Maybe I should rush out and buy one after all!

But now I'm back in the reletive calm of Ojai, California. Ensconsed back into the bosom of Coyne family life, a welcome relief, albeit a cold one! The present climate is like a warm UK sping, nice and sunny during the day, frosty at night. However, the feeling of snuggling up into as pile of soft blankets is a welcome one. It ain't hot enough for exposing myself to those rays though, the tan will just have to fade from now on, can I bear being lilly white again? Strangely it isn't one of my prime concerns right now, there's something called life which needs my attention! Not so much the physical aspects, there's a whole host of opportunities there. I need to integrate life and emotions, hopefully in a positive, constructive manner. Since making the decision to return home I seem to have initiated a new wave of emotions. But I'm ready for it now, stronger, refreshed, more capable to think about a future.