Friday 31 August 2007

Thar she blows!

Yesterday was a bit of a hack along the long main coastal highway, which I'd been so adament about avoiding as much as possible. The truth of the matter being I'm running out of time to get up north and start the ride through the Rockies. If I don't get a move on I'll be snowed in at some point and I can't be arsed to get in a place for days; unless its by choice. So I got away early from Port Alberni and only stopped for a late brunch. Luckily the route wasn't too boring there were still nice scenic views for much of the way. The road was generally only single carriageway, with enough strtches to pass any other traffic. As I got further north there was vitually no traffic anyway, so I didn't get to play with too many cars. I had my destination in mind, so Route 19 until just before Port Hardy then a detour to Telegraph bay.

This bay was recommended by a park warder from the south end of the Island. She was really impressed with the operation last year, not a great big place and small groups. At least she got the first bit right. Telegraph Bay is a small place, with nothing there but tourism. OK, so it was fairly quiet! Still at the higher end of the tourist chain. On offer were all things involving boats: sport fishing, kayaking, Grizzly tours form the water and Whale watching.

There was only one campsite, so it had to do. Despite feeling niggled over a lack of space for my tent on the pitch it was fine. I even had some wood left over from the last campers. The pegs went in fine, the facilities were nice and people who passed were friendly. But I felt alone, desperately so! And down came the tears, they lasted all the time pitching and sorting out a fire. Still didn't stop as I went to phone Al and lauren, I just needed a friend to talk to, to hear someone voices that meant something to me. Mainly I wanted to be able to talk to Cai, but I can't and won't be able to again. I don't mind grieving, I know it does me good; but I wish I could have some control when. To be able to feel it and put it aside till later, not for the tears to just roll down my where ever I am. It isn't that I'm ashamed either, I just don't want to have to explain what is wrong to any onlookers.

Call me a miserable shite if you like, but, the last thing I wanted was to be stuck in a boat with a few dozen tourist plebs crowding round the rail and getting in everyone's way. And thats exactly what I got! The early morning sailing was meant to be the quiet one; WRONG!! Fifty people, whilst friendly enough to talk to, who rushed onto their chosen rail and no way were they moving for anyone. Even when I saw something and lifted up my camara to try and shoot something some pillock instantly jumped in front my lense. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The naturalist on the boat saw my frustration and had a quiet word. Actually she asked if there were anything she could do to help, "throw half the passengers off" was my reply. She did understand completely, which is why she noticed. Once advised the best place to go the trip improved dramatically. Each time the engines were cut I got up in front the wheel house and had a grandstand view. So I could stop being a grumpy old git, but I do so hate being surrounded by tourists.



So what did I see? You've already seen from the photos so I don't need to tell you. OK, the Stella sea lions have just arrived back into the area, couldn't get a better shot; grrrrrrrrr, tourist blockade! But the rest just got better and better. They get reports by spotter plan where the resident Orca's are. So off we set, to view what I'd been set on seeing. And it wasn't long, despite detouring to look for some Humpback whales. On the way there we happened upon the Orca's; so much for the supposed report. There were two males and half a dozen or so females, we got closer and closer (have to stay 100 yds away though) and loads of photo opportunities. Then it was decided to go see the Humpbacks, as they are less frequently seen. Amazingly there were three together feeding, a sight not seen often. We got to see them surfacing for a lunge feed and their tail sweep as they descended again. And then the Orca's appeared again, close to the Humpbacks. Bloody great, Orca's on one side and Humpbacks on the other, coool! We stayed watching for quite some time, spoilt for choice!


While backing away a report of some Pacific White side Dolphins came in so off we went to investigate , a supposed large group. By buggery it was, a very large group. Hundreds of them and we meet them just as they started our way. The buggers are so hard to get a good shot of, but I did manage a few decent ones. To be honest, like the whales beyond a certain point you missed the best by trying to get decent photos. The dolphins were lined up in groups of four or more riding the same bow wave, only a couple of feet away from the boat. Gorgeous and amazing, it really lifted my spirits. It also brought on the tears! It was excellent but would have been perfect seeing all this with Cai, jeez I do miss him so much!!

Wednesday 29 August 2007

Where's the maple syrup then?

I'm so made up over being allowed close enough to stroke Bonkers. Now she's gone that far I feel I can actually put her picture on the blog. Unfortunately she's been so badly treated before Nick and Emmah got her it'll take a lot more than a few days to become a friend in any way. But hey, she didn't shy off between each tidbit I fed her just before I left. Mishka on the other hand was all over me, wouldn't leave me as I packed and just waited at the door when I locked up.

Holy rooney (and its no reference to Wayne), Canada at last and it doesn't seem that different. Shops and houses look about the same, scenery is very similar to Washington state and prices are pretty similar. Actually, its similar but on a bigger scale. There are rivers rather than creeks and the lakes are brilliant, bigger than those I saw in Washington.

The people are definitely different, they have a sense of humour. They are also more relaxed, just as friendly but the towns are not as crowded and lack the hustle bustle of many towns and cities in the states.


The roads, well despite the fact I decided not to travel on Route 1 up the coast the tarmac seems to be prefect. Smooth as a babies bum, and cambered in the right direction. Unlike the states they have gone metric, so its back to km. But that's OK I just take the speed signs as if they mean mph. It certainly makes for a quicker ride and distances go much quicker than I'm used to. Well, leaving the main road was the right choice, I followed a minor road (route 18) across to lake Cowichan. Once at a small place called Youbou the road ran out and the route continued as a logging track/forestry trail. 62 miles of loose bumpy shite, what a ride! I loved it, felt confident and cruised through with no real problems. The views were spectacular, I even managed to stop and take a few photo's. I started going about 35 mph and soon was keeping it at a steady 40-45 mph. Strange how each time I meet another vehicle, and overtook it, I got a bit faster. Ended up blatting along at 50 mph and really having fun. Until I nearly lost it, that shook me a bit! Never mind, I've changed my underwear; as if!

Its the sharper bends that pose the problems, and when combined with huge swathes of deep, loose gravel its deadly. I'd got used to the rear end snaking a bit and the front end being twitchy; easy, just give it a bit more throttle. I just managed to keep the bike on the track and slowed down for a while after that. Forty felt quite relaxed as well, and I didn't go above 45 mph until back on the tarmac. Wow, what a great ride!!

Monday 27 August 2007

Goodbye USA!

And now to get ready for the quick trip out the US and cross into Canada. The bike's been serviced and had some new bits added, its now looking and sounding better than it has before. With new side racks and upgraded front brake its also more efficient in use. I'm sure glad I decided to allow the bike shop do the service and fit the upgrades. They've done a great job, hoorey for the local Kawasaki dealer (Monroe Motorsports). If you need a reliable bike shop in the Seattle area they're well reecommended by me; the guy who never likes bike shops messing with my bikes. I made a few adjustments myself, just to get it exactly how I want it. After about 3,500 miles I'm well aware of the little grumbles about the positions of pedals, handlebars etc. My luggage is securely attached to the new racks, which are heavy enough duty to put Lockable aliminium boxes on them. Come a time when my soft panniers finally bite the dust. I've also stiffened up the front forks, general advice here was to upgrade and buy progressive forks. One guy I meet riding a KLR 650 felt this was unnecessary, all that was needed was more viscous oil in them. The bike shop said no, just put a bit of air in them. And true enough, they're brilliant now!! Blimey, what's that about looking for the simplest solution?

I was going to try and go whale watching before Canada, to save having to detour over to Vancouver Island. As I didn't manage to get a booking for a small boat trip I'll head over Vancouver way instead. No way was I going on a large boat with dozens of tacky tourists! Unfortunatley the Orcas are roaming a bit further out now so Kayaking isn't likely to result in seing Orcas. Patience is all it takes, I'll see 'em soon.

So having everything accomplished that I wanted to here I'll have to give a hearty wave and ride off into the sunset. Its been lovely to spend time with friends, but now my feet are getting itchy again! It'll be a shame to say cheerio to Nick and Emmah, the three dogs and their various fowl (Horace gives such a nice gobble he's kept as a pet rather than christmas dinner). MIracles do happen, Bonkers has actually let me stroke her. The first stranger she's ever allow the honour. It made my night last night when it happened, of course slowly geeting closer with tempting bits of beef jerky. Don't blame her either they were really nice! Mishka has already been laying on my bed when I'm out, Emmah claims she was pining for me. But she has taken a shine to me, absolutely adores a good body massage. Even Ripley, the old man, loves his patting from me; at least when he can be arsed to get up.

WOW, excellant! I got to go shooting yesterday! Yeah, I know; firearms...blah..di..blah..di..blah!! Absolutley great fun! I started by firing a new AK47, then an even more abnoxious assault rifle. The latter is heavier, larger calibre and so much noisier. We then fired a wide variety of side arms, starting with a very reasonable and easy to use .22. The 9mm luger was good, but the Kemble 45, yeees! What a shame we ran out of shells for that. Fired off hundreds of .22 rounds, compared to the others it was virtually like a cap gun. There was a whole range of Glock pistols taken along. Calibre sizes were 9mm, 10mm and .40 as the big boy. Nick had standard and compact versions of the smaller two, the .40 was compact and light for every day wear. So we had good fun, I haven't fired weapons that good before; only the older standard british forces hardware. My ears were ringing for ages after, and yes we did wear ear protection. Boys and their toys eh?

Thursday 23 August 2007

Monroe, Washington

It feels so good to have the company of good friends again, and I don't mean that as any reflection on any of the great people who offered their friendship and generosity while doing the first stage of my journey. Reaching here has completed that stage really; just an hour's ride and I'll be on the ferry to Vancouver Island, and out the USA. So I'm truly grateful to all those who helped by participating in making this journey move on, into a more positive stage. I feel privileged to have so much support and understanding from the hoards of great people from home as well. Hey, I even get mobile careers advice; which I'm grateful for(certainly not angry) and won't even let on I know by who.

The ride up the west coast started with Cai, but quickly turned into my worst nightmare. It has ended feeling able to undetake this journey alone, in a stronger frame of mind than I would have thought possible. I still hurt real bad at times, but more memories are coming through of the great life and great times we had together.

Although we haven't seen each other or had much contact for the last fifteen years it's still a fond re-union with Nick and Emmah. Now, if I'd been asked to guess what dogs they might have I'd have said Greyhounds! Surprise, surprise; they've got three of them. Ripley, a large and dead quiet male, Mishka a complete slut of a female and last but not least Bonkers, who is! Unfortunately Bonkers was really severely abused as a racing greyhound and is a really scared dog, it takes a lot for her to even appear if there are strangers around. I've felt really privileged for her to have come out and lay around the front room and the garden with only me around. I'm determined to get her to allow me to stroke her before I leave for Canada.

Really dig their home, two geodesic domes joined. Pretty neat eh? The other side overlooks most of their 5 acres and has a lot of gorgeous features; like the triangular windows forming 2/3 of a hexagram. Unfortunately I couldn't get a decent picture of it. My first thought was what a nice hobbit hole it made. So it looks like geodesics are making headway both sides of the Atlantic! I must say this wee spot of Washington is a very nice one indeed. Forests, lakes, windy roads and tranquil homesteads with typical American style corrals and horses. It sounds so archetypical of rural life here, and it sure is!
There isn't much I've seen that spoils the picture really; of course that doesn't include the tacky main drag in town which is full of Taco-bell, McDonalds and other crap food outlets. And still the supermarkets are so full of good quality,loose fruit and veg I can't see why people want to eat pre-prepared shite so much. But who are these people? I've not run into that many, but I've also not eaten with that many people. One group were definately eating large amounts of meat for every meal, and there wasn't any sign of healthy veg with it.

A ride needed to be undertaken yesterday, to save me from just hanging round and reading all day. Perish the thought of being lazy, maybe I should actually allow myself a day of shear laziness. Trouble is I want to kick back on a beach, full exposure to the sun; unlike my steaks, I like me well done thank you. Anyway, before I got distracted, I went for a local ride. Having looked at the map it was straight forward enough, I could ride some fairly minor roads and include a trail for a shortish day out. Well it would have been if my map had the number of roads I came across. Its 50:50 when you come to a T junction, every time I chose wrong and rode for hours without finding where I was or the road to take me where I wanted to be. The solution is simple, just bloody ride and bugger it. The roads were nice condition anyway, the views were fine and I only saw some of them twice; as I discovered after an hour or so of being completely lost. But hey lost or not, I'm still here!

Tuesday 21 August 2007

Boats are a drag, conifers rule!

And I thought the wilderness classed camp was basic! Last Thursday, day of last blog entry, I stayed in an environmental camp; which is a wilderness one without the facilities. I had to pack my stuff in for about a half km. So much for the reassurance of the bears from last night, its a bit different when completely alone in the pitch black. Every noise heard had me shining my rather puny wind-up head torch into the surrounding forest. I didn't even have my beautiful bike to protect me! It was strange how a comment came into my head, as if Cai were walking by my side, as I packed in my gear. The comment was a simple one, "wow, this is really cool." It was such a strong and clear thought,almost as if I'd actually heard him, felt lovely to feel his presence like that.

I ran out of Highway 1 and it became a smaller, non freeway, Hw 101. Which took me out of California, all the way north through Oregon and a loop round the northwest of Washington. It remained a nice road, very little of it straight and boring; open, gorgeous, high speed bends with lovely smooth tarmac and the more north I got the quieter it became. But as soon as I got into Oregon the scenery changed. No more the really twisty, tight turning switch backs coming at you all day. The road opened out more, exposing a lower coastline, more constant views of the coast, more sand. Long stretches of beach (as in miles long), lovley dark sand and totally deserted.
There were countless numbers of these that I saw from the road, I was being a bit security conscious and didn't want to leave the bike unattended while I went in search of a quiet spot to bare my arse. It also didn't help that it was just a touch nippy, though fine for sheltered bathing in the sun. I waited to get to a really long stretch of sandy coast I could see on the map; unfortunately when I actually got there it was miles and miles of enormous sand dunes. No sodding beaches for ages so I went and camped by a lake; on a pretty tacky RV park. At least I got to have a shower and shave, even if my bike gear is minging I might as well try and keep the personal stench down a tad.

Actually it turned out pretty good, I happened upon a weekend of drag boat racing on the lake and the grandstand view of the finish line was from this park. Have you ever tried to get a photo of an object travelling at nearly 200 mph? If it hadn't been for the torrential rain we got subjected to I might have stayed and watched the finals on the Sunday, but once the waterproofs were on I was sweating my cobs off. I had to get moving down the road to cool off. I was really lucky though, just before leaving I managed to catch sight of the resident Osprey and got a long range picture showing it clearly.

Thoughts and feelings of Cai were positive and reassuring for the days out around quiet wilderness areas. The last few days have changed again, for the first time anger has erupted. I was only having a semi out of control cry whilst riding and it just got out of proportion. I actually considered stopping and trying to find some source of solace, I felt so isolated and vulnerable. While considering my options a church was passed and it seemed a certainty some of the righteous followers would be sure to offer a shoulder to cry on. Oh shit, then the thought of GOD came into my mind, swiftly followed by tremendous anger at this supposed superior, all powerful being. If there is a god and he can stand by and let someone as perfect as Cai get wasted in such a horrid way I'll piss all over him. I was raging, screaming abuse at this thought of god. So much so that my throat swelled right up and I could hardly speak after. It didn't stop the crying either, but I did feel better for it. It came up again in a less ferocious way yesterday, but that was with other motorists.

Driving over here leaves a lot to be desired, once in a lane thats where they're gonna stay; however fast or slow they go. I guess in a way I feel such bad lane discipline was a contributing factor to Cai's death. Obviously this has been on the boil subconsciously for a while. Jeeez, was I forceful in my riding yesterday. I wouldn't overtake on solid lines but when they were broken I was going through; whether they liked it or not. And many obviously didn't! They did move out the way when it was obvious I was coming through anyway; they didn't need to else I wouldn't have made the overtake. Close enough for them to give me more space. And that isn't really the way I want to conduct too much of my highway riding, but it did feel warrented because of the selfish, inconsiderate driving.

My bike has been great, if it carries on in such easy style I might not throw it at the ground many more times. I don't think it minds too much though, if it does it hasn't grumbled about it.

Thursday 16 August 2007

Wilderness days

Waah! What a fantastic last couple of days, especially as its only a couple of days. It feels like a decade, so many phenomenal sights, sounds and smells. Riding into San Fran and over the Golden Gate Bridge was definitely an anti-climax. Freeway into SF, which was dull, not even shouting "wanker" at big rig drivers improved it. The city itself was interesting; no rushing or hassle, it all seemed very relaxed and city hall was pretty vice looking. It was really misty on the bridge so I didn't get to see any of the supports while riding over. What I did see was hardly golden anyway, more like red oxide, peeling off to reveal the rust. Decided to stop and get a photo from the end as it was partially clear from the north end. Again no, too many tourists to even get a clear shot. C'est la vie, ain't my bridge!

As soon as getting off highway one and onto the notorious Route 1 the fun really began. Switchback heaven straight away, if you ain't pointing up you're pointing down and always leant over. Well, with the exception of a few score miles all the roads I've chosen have been like that. Pure joy, continuously! Ok, it did get real cold and misty yesterday morning for the first hour or so of riding. But the roads were still awesome, I just had to keep wiping the heavy mist off my visor and missed some of the views. But lots of lovely small towns, like Manchester, Westport and other familiar sounding names.

Sweeping through the Redwoods on wide open bends, no slacking off of speed just crank it over and smile. Again that gorgeous resinous smell wafting up my nose as 60 mph (more like forcibly injected), even nicer was an overpowering sweetness I kept getting and could never see what it was. Once was as I passed a home garden flower sign, and then I spied them; large trumpet shaped flowers, hanging round a main central stem.

I picked a track that would save me from going back onto Highway 101, but seemed to have missed it. Instead I turned off the main route asap. It was an unclassified road leading to Shelter Cove (Point Delgardo), even narrower, steeper and more gobsmackingly twisty. Thats where I saw this beauty, down the track that I should have taken instead of the 101.

Shelter cove seemed really promising, especially the locals I got speaking to. My first view of it was the mist rolling in over the sea, I could have camped on the beach free but wasn't prepared to leave the bike out of sight with any luggage on. The campsite was horrid and 30 bucks, so I went off to find one that was on the way to my next port of call.


It was about time I took the new set of wheels off road, there was a lot to do in the course of this trip so I had to start somewhere. So The decision was made and I headed for the campsite that was along a dirt track, from Shelter Cove to Honeydew. What I didn't realise was that the campsite was a real wilderness site with no facilities; more to the point no bear boxes to store food, but lots of signs warning about their presence. I can't really say I felt comfortable having bears sniffing around my food and stuff, so I had to improvise. I turned a bear proof trash bin into my storage bin; hey presto, problem sorted! Luckily I thought to put my crash helmet in as well, which someone else dumping fish juice all over my bags. But hey, at least I got some free fish. And some real nice company for the night, who got me stoned and made me laugh so much. Thank god for small mercies, eh? They also said not to worry too much about black bears in the wilderness zones. They tend to stay clear of us and are not too hard to scare off. Knowing they had fish heads outside their car made me very comfortable about having my food bag left outside.

The ride into the camp site had been about 5 miles of dirt roads, I had about ten to get out the other side and it was due to be rougher, steeper but passable. WOW!!! That was so true! It was definitely passable, coz I made it through. And I enjoyed it so much, though it would have been easier without the pipe I was given for breakfast. I can feel proud of the ride, it was the trickiest dirt riding I can remember doing. I felt I'd done it incredibly slowly. After I realised the speeds I manipulated the steep 180 degree bends off road was about that advised by signs for such bends on the tarmac. I felt a bit better then, but also felt there was no hurry anyway and it was fun pottering through it all.

I knew the route from a notice board, although there were more roads than shown and many more than the map I had on me. Trouble was to take a wrong one meant ending up at a dead end; 9 miles later, OH SHIT! I made the right decision, I'm pleased to say; it wasn't the obvious one. And today I hope to make it to Fern Canyon, for the obvious vegetation and the Elk that are said to frequent the place. Still no bears though!

Tuesday 14 August 2007

Feeling high @ 9568ft ASL

Seems strange, here I am writing away just the way I normally would in my own journal and then I get these people sending in comments that never fail to bring on the tears. Well keep it up people, its good for me. I could also do with a better sense of self worth, its been missing for too much of my life. And Cai can't personally help me with this anymore: but his memory can and does. .Thank you all, and thank you Cai! Please excuse the non-publication of all comments sent, some I'd like others to see; others I take as personal and wouldn't publish any personal details anyway Of course I wouldn't write anything that was personal to me either; and pigs might fly eh?

Those redwoods are really awe inspiring, they've had me speechless, whooping in delight and feeling well and truly earthy. The size of the large ones are humongous, this one is named General Sherman and is 11 metres in diameter. They reckon its 2,200 years old, mind you there are a number of others claimed to be the oldest living tree; so who knows, or cares really. I just love the smell and sight of them, how small and insignificant we seem in comparison: until some idiot goes and chops it down!

What self respecting climber doesn't get a stiffy at the thought of Yosemite? Especially El Capitan! I stayed in Yosemite Valley for three days and never stopped looking around gobsmacked at the gorgeous rock. So how many can claim to have climbed on El Capitan? Actually not me, I couldn't be bothered to scramble any further in full bike gear just to make a bullshit claim. Shame the photo just doesn't do it justice.

The pass going through Yosemite started yesterday's ride and is the highest I think I've ridden a bike before at over 9,500 ft. I rode up to 8,000 ft in just a thin top, and don't lecture me about safety! Its my risk and I've not got a death wish, I know the risks and will take what I feel right for at the time. Besides its excruciatingly hot, in the 100's. All the roads were great yesterday, resulting in me riding for over ten hours. Just so awesome I didn't want it to stop! Most was in what I'd call the high country, only towards the end of the day did I descend below 7,000 ft. No way was I going to stop to take photo's, even if there had been turn ins at the convenient places. It was joyous riding that route; Highway 120 east through Yosemite, 395 north to Carson City then Route 50 down to Sacramento. Actually starting to feel good with it all; even the grief when it emerges. For a long time on the ride I was having to control feelings of uncontrollable tears; to the extent of not being able to breath. I feel very lucky to have learnt the various techniques for breathing and relaxing with my meditation and Tai Chi. Take my word for it, they are very useful skills. It also does me good to address Cai at such times, for sure it makes me cry but its feeling good to let the tears flow now. But now onto San Francisco and the northern reaches of highway 1. Laid back beaches and wild cliffs.

Thursday 9 August 2007

Take the high road!

On the road, even if its only a very slow one; in milage covered rather than speed travelled. The Sespe Wilderness I passed through yesterday was awesome, about a 50 mile ride of continuous curves. It was all so scorched, not just by the sun either! It was so clear how vast an area had burnt down in recent years. Apparently one in every four forest fires is found to be started by fire fighters; I guess thats one way of ensuring job security!

Out the other side of the Sespe was an amazingly arid zone which was was highly cultivated. The amount of water being sprayed everywhere was equal to anything I saw being done in the deserts of Israel, with a good amount of success too. There were a good variety of crops, loads of vineyards (see picture) and citrus fruits. It was interesting to see the agriculture, just as well coz the road was straight, flat and bloody boring.

Which is what the next stretch was like! OK, an oil rig is interesting when you see the odd one or two. But seeing a whole landscape of them is dull, even annoying. All I could smell was oil and all I could see both sides of the road was those damned wells sucking our reserves dry. All so greedy bastards like me can go on joy rides with our internal combustion engines. Such is life, I can see the faults but not stop contributing myself.

The riding has been generally great, my problem has been when I stop and my emotions sweep me away. Last night was horrid, I felt like turning around and heading back to Alasdair and Lauren's. The only thing that stopped me was feeling stupid for giving up so easily, jeeez there ain't no easy way out of this is there? Unlike me, I camped close to where other people were just to have someone close by. Not that I bothered them any, just kept myself to myself. Cooked a bland meal of stewed veg and read my book until about 10pm then got an early night. The ride today has been hard itself, very emotional whilst riding; which isn't helpful. Mind you I must remember, part of the reason of being here is to allow those emotions free reign.

A bit of bare arse sunbathing before starting was more in character for me, first chance I've had in the states! And WOW, what a lovely ride through the mountains from Lake Isabella up towards the Sequoia National Park. Into the redwood forests, through unbelievably twisty roads. I thought they were thrilling going up, coming down the other side was so tight. OK, the bike weighs a ton and takes a bit of stopping; but christ, did I have to lean the beast over a long way. And yes I did scrape my feet on the road, also overshot a few bands. Luckily the one to the right had a big run off to the side and the left one was devoid of oncoming traffic. Actually there was virtually nothing else on the road. The redwood forest was lovely and there's more to come today and tomorrow. And the smell is that gorgeous pine resin smell, mile after mile!

Monday 6 August 2007

Up the coast...and deep, deep down!

So, at long last I've restarted this god foresaken journey. It was nice to be on the road, despite it only being a four hour journey to Plaskett Creek. I had a nice bit of windy road from Ojai for about an hour and then a couple of hours thrash up the freeway. Once off the freeway the ride was a wee bit manic, the sun was low and blinded me every time I got halfway round each bend. I so wanted to wind up the throttle and crank it round the bends. I made up for it on a ride further north, to the Big Sur, on Saturday, They don't have double white lines out here, I've assumed the use of yellow ones are to provide me with a guide line for overtaking with oncoming traffic. Do Harley riders go so slow to ensure everyone sees their bikes, or are the bikes really that sluggish? Shame coz I love the sound of them!


For the first time I had to pack all my stuff up and get under way. Of course I had to reload my luggage a couple of times to get it all fitting in a balanced and logical way. I found out how chilly the brilliant desert gear is as soon as the temperature drops off. It may be fine for a quick blast along the roads at home, but not on a misty ride along the Californian coast for a few hours. I thought it was meant to be bloody hot here, all the time! I definately need more suitable clothing to keep me warm in colder climes. I did express this opinion to Cai, but he just thought I was being over cautious; bless him.
It was also a weekend camping with my Californian friends; so not really setting out as the bold explorer, conquering the unknown single handed. Not really the intention now though, more to provide the space to clear away all the crap and get on with a life I never imagined I'd have to face. Sharing this weekend was excellent, and the kids were such a joy to be around. Somehow it makes it feel good that life is still precious and I can have positive emotions, not just the painful ones. Layla and Iain seem to have taken a bit of a shine to me, which means demands for my attention leave me with less time to dwell on grief. As you can see Layla and me have become a bit close.




Despite a seemingly ever present sea Har the weekend was really nice. I got to watch some fairly impressive surfing.




And saw a small colony of elephant seals, be jay-zus aren't they big. The males are down right ugly too, with large manky flaps of flesh/fur hanging off them.


I've had to face one of the hardest moments in my life so far today. A time when I severely doubted whether I could maintain contact with my rational mind. What a change from yesterday, then I felt detached and insular. It made me feel guilty that I hadn't ended up in tears for a whole day. Well I certainly made up for it today. Hearing from those at home has tended to be a hard time emotionally, reading comments from folk today really tipped the balance. And yet once it was over I was so glad to have experienced such overpowering emotions. I have no idea how long my outbreak lasted, I believe for some time. It started as a few tears and just snowballed, there was nothing I could do to stop it and it just got worse and worse. I was in the house alone, couldn't walk straight, couldn't think clearly and fear overtook. My belly was vibrating uncomfortably, which moved up to my chest as well and scared the shit out of me. I didn't know what to do, wobbling around the house, confused and hardly able to catch my breath. Eventually some corner of my mind got me to stop moving around and get my breath under control. Once breathing more normal the uncomfortable vibrating stopped in the torso and settled into my dead as a dull pain, but still felt like it was vibrating. It was horrible, but at least I stopped it! At first I wanted to block all commments, but then I felt how good it had been. To lose it emotionally to that extent and still have enough mental faculty to get it together again waqs reasuring. Part of my anxiety of doing the trip still was if I could handle getting really upset and scared with no-one around. Now I know I can! I also know I feel stronger for that experience, and give not a shit how it sounds to anyone else. We do, after all, create our own versions of hell!

For many years I've struggled to have as good an opinion of myself as others seem to hold. I've put my vlaue in terms of my son, or other relationships; not myself. To hear people praise me and compliment me has made me feel uncomfortable. This is what started today's episode; reading people expressing their admiration for how I'm handling Cai's accident, death etc... So I realise now is the time to change that, time to focus on me and what life I have. So don't stop the supportive comments, I need to listen and take it on board; maybe then I can begin to realise my real potential, as an individual. Maybe I can be someone I'm proud of being, to see the reasons I should be proud of myself. Truly a frightening day, yet such a valuable experience.

Wednesday 1 August 2007

Back in the US!

Depite trepidation over the last couple of days I'm back in the States. Yes, it is nice to be back; but it doesn't make me feel like I'm where I should be. But there again. where the hell should I be? Anywhere that feels OK for me at the moment!! And that is where the problem lies; I don't feel right, that I belong anywhere right now! If I ever felt lost and adrift its now. Having freinds at home was great. But they couldn't make up for the loss of Cai, however good the support they offered. I don't know how well I could have coped without them, I still don't know if I'll cope on the road alone. But I must try, I must find the strength and commitment to live my own life; one that Cai shares as a memory but can't contribute to himself.

My fear is greater now I'm far from home, though having Al and Lauren around makes it bearable. How can I expect to feel different; I've just lost my son! I've never put so much effort into a relationship with anyone else, I thought it was safe. How easily wrong that proved to be. Nothing can be done about this now, one redeeming aspect of it is that we spent so much time together while we could. So folks don't put off what you can do tomorrow, DO IT TODAY!!! Make the most of your loved ones and don't waste time on the negative shit.

A slight delay before I can leave for Canada, the bike's registration plates haven't arrived yet and I can't leave the state before they do. So off we go for a four day camp, hoping the plates will be back by the time we get back to Al's.