Thursday, 18 October 2007


My mind is in tatters at present! Guilt ridden, grief struck and scared. Anything I think of about Cai has really upset me, too many times memories have consisted of negative aspects of our relationship. An example is Cai’s habit of kicking glasses across the floor; the memory included how annoying I found it, the guilt trip he had about it for so long, caused by my frequent displeasure. Christ, that was so hard to handle, I felt so shit about myself, I wouldn’t let anyone else treat him like that. What the hell gave me the right to make him feel such a useless twat? It was the same concerning his short term memory problem; at least it got recognised as a genuine affliction, an aspect of his dyslexia. It used to drive me nuts though, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't’t detach myself from it, so often I made him feel crap about forgetting things, reducing his self esteem. I am so glad this was all realised before it was too late; that the last three years have been spent trying really hard to redress problems between us. I’ve never put so much into a relationship, never reaped so much reward either. And I guess that is what I must be truly grateful for, we got there, we were tackling it between us; by and large we succeeded, forged an amazing friendship and an awfully strong father and son bond, which will be for life, and beyond.

Of course, the lesson here is to live the life you can look back on without cause for guilt or regret. As parents none of us want to imagine the death of our children, such thoughts are pushed from our minds, too terrible to bear. For me losing Cai has caused me to analyse our relationship closer, let me help you put it into perspective. If you care for your kid, every loss of temper is a knife in the heart, when reflected upon. All those times you pissed them off, or put them down,every method used that detracted from their happy disposition in life; all of these will come back and haunt you. The only answer is to have a relationship of nurture, equality and understanding. Maybe then, if the unimaginable happened, you could grieve without guilt, and cherish all memories of your precious child.

You know, it doesn’t really matter where I go or what I do, I’ll still feel lonely! However awesome the region is I travel through, I’ll feel sad that Cai isn’t there to share it with me. What I see and do are the things we wanted to see and do together, we’ll never be able to now. So many times I’ve had thoughts of how nice it would be to be able to tell Cai of this journey, as if he were at home waiting for my return. Is it any surprise to find constantly moving easier on my head space? I can cry as I ride, always have a lot to focus on; keeping my mind off the negative aspects. Problem now becomes, “when am I going to deal with these aspects?” From my stay at Al’s place it’s become obvious, if I allow myself the time and space, the guilt etc can come out and get dealt with. So, is it in my best interests to keep on the move, and avoid dealing with the negative crap. In the long run it can’t be, I’m not the sort of person who can ignore issues once I’m aware of them. Neither can I deal with it without head space; so a compromise has to be made. I need to give myself time to chill and deal with my innermost feelings: not force myself endlessly on. A bit of both is what's needed, moderation in all we do eh? That's a new one for me!

Only a couple of weeks ago my mind seemed set to go home, at least for Christmas. Now I don’t think I can handle being back there again, partly due to the memories of Cai; more so for having to deal with the people there. That sounds awful, it’s no disrespect to family or friends, nor any others. I just don’t want to face people about Cai’s death, despite their good intentions it feels uncomfortable and awkward meeting people and knowing what to say, how to respond to their sincerity. And that is why being here was so much more appealing after the funeral! I think a lot, for many people in North Wales, but I find it real hard to relate to them about Cai. That is no fault of theirs, no blame on anyone really; just the way I feel, which should be important to me. I’ve still not got any answers, don’t wanna be alone, don’t really want to face being home without Cai or something reasonable to do.

I don’t think posing naked for a living will suffice anymore. Being comfortable with your own nakedness is symbolic,for me it represents how comfortable you are exposing your hidden depths. Being totally present, unabashed, naked, it's like exposing your soul, stripping away the layers of pretense. I always feel positive being open about the crap actions of my life, at least it shows self awareness, progression. Very little I've done in life do I feel ashamed about, this includes the undesirable actions, of which there are many! Better to be aware and understand why I've behaved certain ways, then I empower myself to change the undesirable. Of course this is easier said than done, such changes can take years to complete, patience is needed, and determination.

So, three weeks and many changes to the bike, I'm itching to go but can't get everything sorted out, ordering things and them not being sent. Even people telling me to go and pick them up myself, from their bloody supplier. I got so frustrated today, couldn't sort out much at all. On the bright side, I didn't lose my rag, I stayed calm, accepting a situation that I couldn't alter. OK, so it involves hassle I had planned around, trouble is it involves relying other people, and their reliability is something you can't control. The bike looks the business now, the panniers and top box are beautiful, really well made and expertly fitted. I've given the bike a good road test, part freeway and part thrashing round the local mountain roads. Everything is well balanced, ground clearance is fine despite 9" of aluminium box jutting out the sides. The design is brilliant, the outside edges are angled for better cornering,two sturdy locks each box and totally sealed from the weather. Perfect!! And yes, you can see Wales and GB stickers plastered on the bike! Isn't that better than people in Latin America thinking I'm from the States? Of course it is!

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