Wibbly wobbly legs....

No strange coincidence, that each time I mean to start writing my book, it initiates a more pressing urgency to update this blog. It represents my need to update my life, to refresh my mind of where I've been, and where I've got to. Emotionally I'm still in stasis, often it feels only yesterday since I lost Cai; other's it's a whole lifetime away. My accident has forced me to live for today, for myself! Don't ask me why, this is one question I have no answer for! It may well be the most frequent question of my life, the one giving the most dissatisfying answer, but it remains the most evasive. There could never be a satisfying answer as to why Cai had to die, but that is not one I ask myself any more. (Photo: Cai with the world at his finger tips)

Reflection is still a head state which inevitably follows feeling upset, yet I'm still incapable of projecting thoughts into the future. For sure, there are uncountable choices for a future life, there ain't no feeelings of joy though! Thinking of only myself feels empty and devoid of meaning, any value of life seems to be putting my time to good use, for the benefit of others. I'd prefer to have a healthy balance, not forgetting the feel good factor of devoting your life to the well being of others. Of course I need to care for myself first, to make that a possibility. How easy it seems to say screw it all, and sink into my own little world. It would take no effort, do I really care about the world at now right now? Of course I do, in theory at least, not emotionally. Who ever said life was meant to be easy? No bugger I know, everyone agrees, it's neither fair nor a bed of roses. So why the hell do we bother? WHY? Always the same quesstion! Oh, to be blinded by belief, to have sufficient faith to commit your life to an improbable God, to be able to kid oneself there is a point to it all! The head games I can put myself through are unbelievable, maybe it would be easier if I had someone else to blame. God moves in mysterious ways? It's a bloody mystery to me! Hard times are there as a test? I feel I've passed enough friggin' tests; besides, since when has he/she/it deigned to pass any of my challenges. Being one who believes in equality, the onus is no longer on me! (Photo: Cai on Fanfare - Rhoscolyn, Anglesey.)

My hardest thing at present is a focus for the anger, something to release it, a legitimate target. The frustration has been building up and would love to be unleashed! What's the point though? Would it make me feel better? No! Finding myself staring out a window, for how long who knows, can be relaxing, though sedating may be more accurate. It's the times I look at the window and want to hurl something through it, when the frustration, becomes a surge of anger. Which is why I know venting it would achieve nothing, at least nothing positive or constructive. What would be the point? It would only give me reason to dislike my actions, and therefore myself. Hey, what a luxury; being able to spend time analysing life's chaotic ways, and beating yourself up about them! I can benefit by obvious progress, like recognising emotions and realising their usefulness, not reacting but responding. There is no escaping your own mind! Which is why there is no running away from your feelings, deal with them when they occur, hopefully denying them the chance to become yet more baggage. Hmmm, seems obvious reading back over this blog how much time I'm spending with my own thoughts.(Photo: Me climbing 'Breaking the Barrier'. Holyhead Mountain - Anglesey)

A while ago I re-read my journal from touring Scandinavia, it made for interesting reading, was I really that mad? Seen from an everyday perspective, it would appear so! But there again, how aften do we allow ourselves to view our innnermost thoughts with such clarity? It needs time and headspace, at least it does for me! And how often, in our everyday lives, do we allow ourselves such time and space? So many people spend most their time and effort remaining blissfully ignorant. Yeah, I could do with a bit of that at times! The time is ripe to revisit my recorded dribblings, to see the depths to which I plunged, the heights I soared to. I know on all my bike tours there has been some incredible highs, even when grieving for Cai. Maybe by re-living some of them I can brighten my outlook somewhat. (Photo: Cai as Night Crawler - Llaneilion, Anglesey)

A lot of time is being spent at home, alone. Acceptance of this is essential, but doesn't come easy. My legs are becoming more usable all the time, stability and stamina are all that restricts mobility. My wrists and forearms suffer more from the cold, stiffness and muscle fatigue reign supreme. The crutches have gone, I'm now determined to walk on my own two feet. If I get tired I rest, if not I do what I need to. I'm back in my own bedroom, confident of negotiating the stairs. The lounge is a lounge again, not a bed-sitting room. So the mundane aspects of life slowly come back to normal, less effort is required to provide the basic necessities. More of my time is available to spin off into Les's world, self analysis can be heavy going, especially when you're so physically limited. There is little you can do about the less joyous aspects of life, and there I've gone full circle. I have to sort myself out before I contribute much to anything else!

Life has been full so far, there is little reason to doubt the future on this score. Many of the best times were shared with Cai! While he will never be by my side to share more adventures, he will be in my heart though. And this must suffice, we were lucky to share so much! Really, luck has nothing to do with it; we made it what it was. Whilst the depth of my loss doesn't lessen, the frequency does, at least, vary. (Photo: Me as Errol Brown, from Hot Chocolate - Tregarth)

A far cry from independance......

Eleven weeks in hospital has been tough going, there's been a fair share of soul searching, but little dwelling on the past. I may have made a bit of a mess of myself, but right from the start I was determined to recover, without too much delay! Wallowing in sorrow wasn't going to get me anywhere, besides, the nursing staff generally have enough on their hands without needing to run around for me all the time. And so developed a stubborn determination to be Mr Independant! Trying, with great effort, but trying constantly. I had to be like that, I had to struggle, manage to do the simplest of things for myself. Each miniscule task, painstakingly overcome, was a minor triumph. Considering I had to be spoon fed initiallly there was a lot of room for improvement, there was no point in looking back, forward was the only way. Though reflecion on my initial level of incapacity has helped remind me of progress. (Photo's: TURKEY - Mountain pass; towards the Kakar mountains. Rock dwellings; Goreme, Cappadocia. [below] 2 beasts of burden; Nemrut Dagli, ).

The first weeks may have been the toughest in many respects, but my determination was fresh. I was told to look towards Easter for anywhere near full recovery, even now that seems ages away; yet I've come so far! Hey, two months ago I was ecstatic because I managed to wipe my own arse (fanny for US friends. For UK folks, no I haven't had a sex change). And now? I'm up and about on crutches, supposedly using my wheelchair when tired; at least I did while still in hospital. I've persisted with crutches only since getting home three days ago! Today (Saturday) was the first day I've woken and not felt a deep ache in my knees. Not to worry though, it allowed me to be more aware of how much my wrists and fore arms ache. Aah, poor me!! (Photo's [One above and two below]: NORWAY - Jutenheim Pass; on a Guzzi V50. Trondeim; Waterfront propoerties. Lufuten Islands; mid-night sun.)

How many times have I had to relate what injuries I sustained, and how I got them? OK, it involved all my limbs, it happened on my tour bike! Too many details to waste my time writing about them here, catch up with me some day, I'll tell you all the gorey details! In hospital patients give their diagnosis as a means of introducing themselves, even vying for pole position, just who should be pitied most? For the last few weeks I've withdrawn out of this tradition, content to lay flat out, exercising my limbs. At first it felt somehow good to exchange medical conditions, it was the norm, but there is only so much of other people's suffering you can take! It takes energy to heal, as the weeks passed I found I had less for other people, I had to serve my own needs first. What little I had would often be spent leaving the ward, wheeling myself about hospital in search of some head space; the chapel proved peaceful, little chance of being disturbed there.

Other patients could make or break my day in hospital; a constant, good humoured, banter proved uplifting, a real pleasure. But even then it could turn sour, all it took was for one person to introduce a disruptive attitude and the mood could plummet. On more than one occasion did I have to bear witness to this. It intensifies the dynamics of normal life, and you can't just avoid it, you're stuck there, embroiled in the turmoil of others. An exceptional patient was one who would take responsibility for themselves, not thrust it on the various staff. Ok, I concede, the staff are there to care for your clinical welfare; but dammit, not your whole life. It is your own fault if injuries worsen through lack of exercise, or attempting the wrong actions. Suffer the consequences, don't blame your carers! (Photo's [two above & one below]: AMERICAS - Approaching the Glacier fields; Canada. Cliff Dwellings; Mesa Verde, Colorado. Giant cactii; Baja Desert, Mexico).

Laying in an agonised heap by the roadside is not an experience that ever needs repeating, it can have a profound effect on one's outlook of life. It was instantly obviousd I wouldn't be walking away from this one for a while. Once the extent of injuries became apparent my mind went into a whirl, how the hell was I gonna tackle this one? With time, effort and patience was the only answer. Long haul or not, it was up to me to recover and get back to a semblance of fitness. It brought the fight back out of me! I'd about given up on bothering about anything, life post accident meant only one thing, recovering. At last I had to think about my own wellbeing, as the central focus in life; not a guilt ridden claim, spoken but never achieved. This has given me the reason to continue, to accept my life is worth living for myself, not dependant on the affection of others to feel complete. No need to shun that affection, it can be the nicest thing in the world. If you live for that alone you have no life of your own, which is fine if that's what you want! I need to take responsibility for my own life, not hand it over to other people. And I mean emotionally and physically!

All the photos shown above have been taken while touring on two wheels. I don't ride to provide a target for other road users, I ride for the thrill and adventure. Generally, if I take care and treat my bike well, it will do the same for me. But not always, there are few gaurantees in life!