Friday, 28 November 2008

Wibbly wobbly legs....

No strange coincidence, that each time I mean to start writing my book, it initiates a more pressing urgency to update this blog. It represents my need to update my life, to refresh my mind of where I've been, and where I've got to. Emotionally I'm still in stasis, often it feels only yesterday since I lost Cai; other's it's a whole lifetime away. My accident has forced me to live for today, for myself! Don't ask me why, this is one question I have no answer for! It may well be the most frequent question of my life, the one giving the most dissatisfying answer, but it remains the most evasive. There could never be a satisfying answer as to why Cai had to die, but that is not one I ask myself any more. (Photo: Cai with the world at his finger tips)

Reflection is still a head state which inevitably follows feeling upset, yet I'm still incapable of projecting thoughts into the future. For sure, there are uncountable choices for a future life, there ain't no feeelings of joy though! Thinking of only myself feels empty and devoid of meaning, any value of life seems to be putting my time to good use, for the benefit of others. I'd prefer to have a healthy balance, not forgetting the feel good factor of devoting your life to the well being of others. Of course I need to care for myself first, to make that a possibility. How easy it seems to say screw it all, and sink into my own little world. It would take no effort, do I really care about the world at now right now? Of course I do, in theory at least, not emotionally. Who ever said life was meant to be easy? No bugger I know, everyone agrees, it's neither fair nor a bed of roses. So why the hell do we bother? WHY? Always the same quesstion! Oh, to be blinded by belief, to have sufficient faith to commit your life to an improbable God, to be able to kid oneself there is a point to it all! The head games I can put myself through are unbelievable, maybe it would be easier if I had someone else to blame. God moves in mysterious ways? It's a bloody mystery to me! Hard times are there as a test? I feel I've passed enough friggin' tests; besides, since when has he/she/it deigned to pass any of my challenges. Being one who believes in equality, the onus is no longer on me! (Photo: Cai on Fanfare - Rhoscolyn, Anglesey.)

My hardest thing at present is a focus for the anger, something to release it, a legitimate target. The frustration has been building up and would love to be unleashed! What's the point though? Would it make me feel better? No! Finding myself staring out a window, for how long who knows, can be relaxing, though sedating may be more accurate. It's the times I look at the window and want to hurl something through it, when the frustration, becomes a surge of anger. Which is why I know venting it would achieve nothing, at least nothing positive or constructive. What would be the point? It would only give me reason to dislike my actions, and therefore myself. Hey, what a luxury; being able to spend time analysing life's chaotic ways, and beating yourself up about them! I can benefit by obvious progress, like recognising emotions and realising their usefulness, not reacting but responding. There is no escaping your own mind! Which is why there is no running away from your feelings, deal with them when they occur, hopefully denying them the chance to become yet more baggage. Hmmm, seems obvious reading back over this blog how much time I'm spending with my own thoughts.(Photo: Me climbing 'Breaking the Barrier'. Holyhead Mountain - Anglesey)

A while ago I re-read my journal from touring Scandinavia, it made for interesting reading, was I really that mad? Seen from an everyday perspective, it would appear so! But there again, how aften do we allow ourselves to view our innnermost thoughts with such clarity? It needs time and headspace, at least it does for me! And how often, in our everyday lives, do we allow ourselves such time and space? So many people spend most their time and effort remaining blissfully ignorant. Yeah, I could do with a bit of that at times! The time is ripe to revisit my recorded dribblings, to see the depths to which I plunged, the heights I soared to. I know on all my bike tours there has been some incredible highs, even when grieving for Cai. Maybe by re-living some of them I can brighten my outlook somewhat. (Photo: Cai as Night Crawler - Llaneilion, Anglesey)

A lot of time is being spent at home, alone. Acceptance of this is essential, but doesn't come easy. My legs are becoming more usable all the time, stability and stamina are all that restricts mobility. My wrists and forearms suffer more from the cold, stiffness and muscle fatigue reign supreme. The crutches have gone, I'm now determined to walk on my own two feet. If I get tired I rest, if not I do what I need to. I'm back in my own bedroom, confident of negotiating the stairs. The lounge is a lounge again, not a bed-sitting room. So the mundane aspects of life slowly come back to normal, less effort is required to provide the basic necessities. More of my time is available to spin off into Les's world, self analysis can be heavy going, especially when you're so physically limited. There is little you can do about the less joyous aspects of life, and there I've gone full circle. I have to sort myself out before I contribute much to anything else!

Life has been full so far, there is little reason to doubt the future on this score. Many of the best times were shared with Cai! While he will never be by my side to share more adventures, he will be in my heart though. And this must suffice, we were lucky to share so much! Really, luck has nothing to do with it; we made it what it was. Whilst the depth of my loss doesn't lessen, the frequency does, at least, vary. (Photo: Me as Errol Brown, from Hot Chocolate - Tregarth)

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