Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Not waving, but drowning!

The USA can become a thing of the past if I wish now! The legal battle has come to an end, in theory I can now have closure and move on. The way people state this is as if it all suddenly becomes alright. Sorry folks it doesn't! Is there a reluctance to let go, to move on? There is certainly a difficulty in doing so! Time and time again friends and family remark on how well I seem to have gotten over the loss of Cai; generally adding that of course you don't actually get over such loss. I'm glad they realise what they're saying, making the amendment to their statement. In reality all I've done is lower my emotions below the surface, I've submerged, taken the trauma out of the public eye. This is my grief, I don't need to subject others to it. I've been saying I need to get on with my life, and no truer words can be said, that grief will always be a part of my life so I shall live with it as a personal possession. Call me selfish if you like, but it's mine, I no longer need to share it; but don't be surprised if one day you find me broken, in tears, unable to contain the heartache. It still happens often enough!

There is one more thing to accomplish that will help the process of moving on; finishing the story which incorporated the death of Cai. It has come on in fits and start, at times being left for a considerable time before once again gaining impetus. I have constantly yearned to get this done, yet the circumstances have not been right. I need to have the space to open up to the experience, the security to dive into the emotional quagmire I wallowed in after losing Cai. North America came and went, barely registering on a conscious level. I knew then I would need to relive that episode, to take it in, to take on board the experience and learn from it. It isn't enough knowing I got through it, I need to understand the process. What was the point in writing avidly, if not to utilise the words? Initially it was to write a book from, before Cai died. It could be said it would honour Cai to publish the event that cost him his life, which would be true. However, it has become apparent how useful a tool it is for me and my bereavement. So the intention is still to create the situation, the head space, to sit and finish the book. Four chapters are finished, it feels great once I'm sat, tuned in and writing again. If there was ever an episode in my life I wanted to fully understand, to come to terms with, this is it.

Since returning from the States I have had to move from the house I was squatting in, courtesy of an understanding brother, and impose upon friends by taking up residence in their static caravan. It would have been great to have an indefinite time in either place, the problem is when you're in another's place you've got to respect their space. It doesn't take a lot for me to feel I'm intruding, which is where my head has been at for the last few months. This isn't good to get my head into writing, but it has got me motivated into rebuilding my bike, which is damned near completion. As I've said for over eighteen months now, "when I'm fit enough to rebuild it, I'll be fit enough to ride it". And the time has nearly come! What is happening is that my mind is finding it hard to accept any other form of transport to go off travelling again. Which is a good thing isn't it? We'll soon find out, I've no qualms riding the bike along the highway again, I'm not wholly confident about taking it off-road though. There is an overwhelming feeling that once I jump on the bike again you won't see me for dust, so I'm trying to put some order into my life before that happens. June 14th I'm off to Sri Lanka for three months! This is supposed to be creative time, the time and space to write and get my book finished. I've never been there before, which will mean a lot to write about whilst there. In this way my natural creativity with words will flow, as I write my journal. It should create the ideal situation to rattle out the rest of my book and prepare myself for the next journey. It also allows me time to get some dental implants sorted, to bring back my smile.

How many people live to realise their dreams? How many of us experience the pleasure of such fulfilment? For many people it's dreams that make life bearable, that keep us intact, give us reason to struggle through everyday difficulties. I'm a staunch advocate of living for one's dreams, but only if you realise them. What a waste of life to spend it, head in the clouds, dreaming of the unobtainable. Aren't dreams meant to be obtainable? Isn't it supposed to be about making dreams come true? I believe so, and have spent so much of my life in pursuit of those dreams. I've lost count of the times I've enjoyed what started as a flight of fancy; the dreams made real. Personally I've striven to realise my dreams and always encouraged others to follow the same philosophy of life. This is one aspect of my life Cai really respected, he grew to believe you could achieve what mattered to you, you could live your dreams. OK, it lead to his death; but does this mean it's less relevant? If he'd not had that sense of adventure instilled in him he would not have died on a freeway in LA, maybe. I still can't see it as a reason to shy away from realising your dreams. Isn't it better to die achieving the wonderful than to live in boring obscurity? For some it is, and they should follow their path. Other's lives will never reach the realms of wonder, for them that is fine too.

I'm in a position of relative wealth, health and freedom. I can go where I wish, for as long as I want. For so long now this has been the ultimate achievable in life, a truly enviable position. No commitments, no responsibilities and the financial backing to sod off for as long as I want. And the response of most people is enviable mutterings, even those who are close to me. Hey folks, I didn't want it to happen this way. Take it all back, give me Cai any day. I'll keep the slightly buggered limbs, just give me back my son, then you can comment what a lucky bugger I am!!

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