Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Happy Birthday Cai!!

A more glorious time has never been spent, than the years since Cai came into my life!
It's little doubt today would be awash with emotions, but it's like being back at day one again. Life must go on though! Why? I couldn't tell you! Some part of me keeps digging deeper, finding sources of strength I wouldn't have thought I had. Stomach knotting surges of emotions are hard to release, gentle tears one minute, wracking sobs the next. Jesus, I thought I'd passed through all this, thought I'd come out the other side. Naa, just another level!

However hard it might be, I've got to look at Cai's life as a positive thing; not concentrate on the pain of my loss. When Cai was born I was delighted, willing to wait my turn to bond. It was hard to compete with a full breast, I envied Gabrielle her closeness to our new born son; yet was quite chuffed there was little I could do to placate a hungry young lad in the middle of the night. All I can say is our bond grew stronger and stronger, for the rest of his days. How could I not treasure those years, they were the best I ever had; whatever distractions swept through my life at times.

I'm proud to have been able to father a son like Cai, I've never had as close a friend. As he grew, so did I! It was a delight to share the early learning curve with him, fun to help decipher his early attempts at logic. It always amazed me the meticulous way he worked things out, always perfectly logical, if only there wasn't that simple little flaw. As often as not his bedtime stories bore such titles as, "101 Scientific Facts", but balanced with a good dose of, "Horrid History". His preschool years were great, we had all the time in the world! Swimming, hours of walks, friends to visit,there was always plenty to do. I can remember the effect of his dimples had on the women in countries we visited they would really mollycoddle him; making gooey mothering noises at him, whilst stroking his dimples. He used to get so embarrassed by it!

It was like a second shildhood for me, I got to do all the exciting things I couldn't as a child, and share all the stupid things kids aren't normally allowed to do. Swimming, sledging, blading, diving, climbing, travelling, kiting, buggying, playing with fire poi, making napalm, blowing up various toys; it was great fun, I guess I was most parents nightmare with kids! I still maintain kids should be free to experiment, to push the limits a bit; it's the only way to learn. Mishaps are a fact of life, the further you push your boundaries, the narrower the margins of safety. There's too much life out there to protect kids from, they need to learn how to cope with it themselves. Even down to the toddlers wielding machetes in Central America, or their slightly older siblings lobbing firecrackers everywhere, kids need to learn for themselves. They are then better equipped to make informed decisions, especially as they grow into their teens, when their decisions often concern sex, drugs, street violence etc.

To me, Cai had the world at his fingertips, everything going for him! Of course I'd think that though! It means a lot to know there are many people who are truly touched by knowing Cai, and I know he doesn't go forgotten. Being such a glowing example for many, our relationship can live on. If people use us as an obtainable, ideal, father son relationship I would be honoured. Personally, I would like to look back without petty guilt feelings; damn, if I could only have reached perfection! I can't change anything though, no point in being miserable at how I wish I'd acted. This trip has shown me many marvels, given untold experiences, and done so with an empty heart! Would you sell your soul to the devil? I happily would, I'd instantly swap for Cai's life! Unfortunately that isn't the way it's done. Stiff upper lip, pretend you're fine and carry on as normal. Bollocks, let it out; if it means that much too you, wear it with pride!

I look into the future with a great deal of uncertainty, but at least I look into it now! Life can never be the same, or mean as much, but it does continue for me. Wasting my life away in a constant state of emotional upheaval will achieve nothing, for anyone. So whether it is with relish, or pain, I need to venture once more into the unknown. Whatever thoughts and ideas I had previously seem moot points, none were envisaged to include losing Cai, though all are still possible! Only time will tell, it's already helped tremendously, I pray it will continue to do so. Of course, that is only a figure of speach; I don't want to give you the wrong idea here! Thank you for sharing some thoughts with me today!
...wherever you are!

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