Sunday, 9 March 2008

Home coming......

Aaaug! A week at home, what’s my world doing to me? Constant reminders of Cai ensure memories dominate my thoughts, control my emotions. There isn’t anywhere that doesn’t initiate thoughts of him, I must be very lucky these memories are good ones. Actually luck has nothing to do with it, there never were bad memories of Cai; never really had any bad experiences with him. So I don’t have guilt gnawing at my soul, no barrage of what, ifs. There is no denying the series of events that leaves me without my son, the truth has sunk in, every last, painful, little, bit! So I’m left with the sadness, the gentle tears, the fond memories. My immediate concerns are dealing with these; not shying away from sorting out his computer files, not ignoring that video of him competing in a climbing competition, not resisting, facing it all, smiling at it all. At least not grimacing!

There’s no doubt about it, being home is comforting, it’s good to be around old friends again. North Wales always seems to have a certain reassuring factor, returning finds you welcomed back into the fold, without delay or fuss. It doesn’t change too much, life plods along without many major events, no great cataclysms. Departing may be easy, returning is even easier, just slide back home, it’s as if you’d never been away. Damn, if only my whole life hadn’t been ripped asunder, turned inside out and spat out, into a barren wilderness! If only it could be just the same, what a happy person I’d be then! But happiness isn’t on the agenda, it’s not within my grasp, emptiness and tears are my true companions. Sounds sad doesn't it? And I guess it is, but it's what life has dealt me for now, so I'd better just get on with it.

The beauty of travelling was the ease at which I could deceive myself. Even momentarily, a respite from reality was always a stone’s throw away. I could become a normal person, just another wayward soul, I chose my own reality. There is no hiding now, my whole environment is that which I shared with Cai, for many happy years. Now I’m faced with life, with no meaning; a void that cannot be filled! Rather than boredom it’s almost envy with which I see friends. Hours of the mundane fill their lives, work, kids and school, domestic strife. What colour scheme do we want this year? Where shall we go in the summer? It must be really nice to be thus sheltered from the big wide world. And yes, I do envy them their simple lives! I do so wish I could fill my own with such trivial matters, I do wish I could banish the pain with a bigger, faster bike. I could run again, but I couldn’t hide, not now! Now, my stubborness is starting to kick in, I won't give up, I won't be beaten; to whatever end, I need to sort out the life I once had in Tregarth. Say goodbye, and move on!

I shouldn’t judge myself harshly, I’ve barely gotten over jet lag, have a miserable head cold and it’s freezing outside. OK, so I like the snow laden hills, strangely though I have little enthusiasm for a walk. Being alone is hard, though being with others can be just as difficult. There is so much ground to cover, so many tales of travel and adventure, it can be hard remembering seven months and 16,000 miles though. It’s almost as if that never happened, since Cai died I’ve just been in limbo, waiting to face what was once home. It doesn’t feel a home anymore, not our home anyway! Early days it may well be, but this couldn’t be a real home for me anymore.

Maybe I need a fresh start, maybe I need to leave it all behind, so far I couldn’t begin to comprehend my needs. My grief may be calm and gentle for me now, but the emptiness is so much deeper, the sadness a constant companion! I have my house, my broken old bike, many good friends, and the well wishes of everyone. I'm sure, with these basics, I can get along! There is certainly no point in moping around, feeling sorry for myself; that'll achieve nothing!

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