Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Should I go or should I stay....

Fact: the passage of time invariably seems to pass much quicker the older we get. The theory behind this concerns our heart rate; the slower the rate at which our hearts beat, the faster our perception of time's passage. When we're young our hearts beat faster, time drags. Getting older the heart slows down, there is more time between heart beats, our perception is that time goes quicker. Bearing this in mind, I can only expect time to be moving at a fair rate. Maybe this is the method by which my future will be dictated. Me lacking motivation, getting little done, living in a daze and weeks passing whilst I loiter ineffectively.

This isn't the way I want my life to continue, I need to feel more productive, a benefit to the society around me in some way. Yet I can't be arsed at all! I know such feelings are inevitable, I know I must work through them. BUT WHY? What is the point? For many of us the point of existence lays in those we love, to provide for and protect them. I can understand that, it's a delight to see loving parents doing the most for their kids, watching them grow and develope into individuals. Parenthood isn't for us all, positive parenting for fewer. For some of us it becomes the most important aspect of our lives! I think we're the lucky ones, we do it for love and respect, not just for duty.

What happens when we are torn apart from those loved ones? Where can we find a place for that love? How can that void be filled? How do we apply ourselves to a life without reason? The list of questions is infinite, I have no answers though! Life will never be the same again, should I therefore create change where-ever possible, to help the natural process? I've long believed all life is transient, we should accept change, even welcome it. The pieces to this particular puzzle no longer fit together, they should do, when you look at it philosophically. What a shame emotions and the intellect are at such odds, what a shame mending a broken heart isn't as easy as willing it better! Things don't happen over night, sorry Jean Luc I can't make it so. I wish I could, I wish I could start filling that void, finding some purpose for my future. Maybe a purpose for each individual day would be a good start, even one occurrence that brought a heartfelt smile to my face, warmth into my heart; wouldn't that be nice?

Riding my bike has been the essence of my life for the last seven months, my daily therapy. I wasn't going to wait six weeks to ride a bike again, it may well be cold, wet and miserable, but I wanted to be straddled over a bike. So I got myself a sexy beast. It started by looking at sleek race machines, with plenty of grunt. Then Triumph Daytona's got my attention, and I found this wee beauty. I guess it came down to the matter of style, I'm afraid to say the new Triumphs and Italian bikes have it, Japanese bikes don't. Race machines aren't my usual style though, I've never had a modern one before and never one with this amount of power. Never before have I owned a machine that made me wonder the G-force under acceleration. Change, that's what it was about! I wanted something different, I wanted a bike to put a huge grin on my face, I wanted to scare and excite myself, both at the same time. That was the theory anyway; in reality it didn't scare the pants off me, it didn't have me whooping with delight. It's pleasant to ride, the acceleration is pretty awesome, big deal!

It's not as if I'm sat doing naff all, though taking a couple of weeks to motivate myself, I have starting getting fit again. A means to an end! Rigorous exercise creates endorphins, they improve our feel good factor, enough said! It may not be much to start with, but it is a start, and it feels significant to me. There again, anything we know is good for us, yet takes a determined effort to initiate, is constructive and should leave us feeling we've achieved something positive. It certainly beats sitting at home in the doldrums! It is surprising how easy it is for the days to slip away, I spend half of them in a daze, and they're the good ones. Some start bad and just carry on like that, the whole day. It becomes tedious, no thoughts take away the tears, no words dull the pain, no-one can make it feel better for me. Sounds a load of self pitying bollocks really, but this is life, at least my life, at present.

Riding or walking I can't help noticing the lovely views which surround my home environment. This is an essential part of what has kept me living in North Wales for so long, the countryside is beautiful! It only take a few minutes walking before being able to stand and gaze at the mountains, the coast, Penrhyn castle, wooded hillsides and green fields; all from the same spot. Little wonder I need to travel to such lengths, to improve on it. Few places are more beautiful, but this is a small part of a small world. I feel exposed walking around, everyone knows me, knows what happened, pities me. I've found myself walking hunkered down into my collar, head down, shoulders slumped. This isn't the me I know, nor the person I want to be. I'm used to being there, in the present, head held high, confident, striding along. Hmmm, what was that about the transience of life? We can't stop change, but we can steer it, surely!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Has your journey now finished.....is the book written?? Are you coping with your daily life, does life go on?? Is there a future, have we been forgotten...... we followed your journey and shared your heartbreak, thank you for sharing your emotions with us.... but please don`t leave us in limbo... we want to know you are ok, we know you are a survivor....please tell us we aren`t wrong...x