Thursday, 18 December 2008

The Angst takes over, but not for ever!

I've been fighting an ever increasing battle over the handling of my recent accidents, by the police. They have shown an acute prejudice against me, I assume because I ride a motorcycle; probably exacerbated by my own stroppy attitude to authority figures. Despite evidence to the contrary, they have acted upon the other driver's version of events, ignoring mine. With no independant witness' they have decided that I was riding too close to the other vehicle and was, therefore, guilty of careless driving. The very fact they have not taken me to court over this shows clearly they have no evidence, hence only being issued with a warning. (Photo: My Kawasaki (Post accident)- The demise of a fine bike.)

WOW! Wasn't I pissed off then? I went to write this entry before Christmas, and the last paragraph was as far as I got. It set the scene for a really good rant, the only problem being, my heart just wasn't in it. However outraged I felt there seemed little point going off on one. It isn't a question of how strongly I felt, more a point of the futility in venting my anger. What purpose would it serve? Would it achieve anything? None, and no, it would make me feel crap, about myself and everyone else! And life is too short to waste it in such a manner. I'd rather sit back, relax, and have no effect on anything than a bad one on something. That should put the cat among the pidgeons, for my more philosophical friends. (Photo: Yours truly (As Walt Disney's Robin Hood)- New year's eve party at home.)

Christmas can be a very difficult time, emotionally, for many. Is it any wonder I was a touch highly strung on the run run up to yuletide? For sure, it wasn't the first christmas since Cai died; but it was the first at home! I'd only just got rid of my crutches, and walking wasn't easy; even now its a wobbly, dual limping sort of hobble. I couldn't go out into crowded places, it would've been too precarious for me; I couldn't stand for long, or fight my way through crowds. I wasn't fit enough to have any independant transport, so I couldn't get anywhere under my own steam. There really was no alternative, I had to make the most of a quiet time! As always though, my friends and family ensured I wasn't unnecessarily lonely. It was nice and peaceful, there was no stress and I saw a good mix of people. (Photo: Mrs Incredible, Aladin, Minnie mouse and Quasimodo - New year's eve party)

And then came new year! I wanted a party, I wanted to infuse my house with happy, fun vibes. It's felt such a sad, lonely place to be for so long now. On my weekend at home, whilst in hospital, I'd really enjoyed a mate's party. Even in my wheel chair I appreciated listening to the music and having a good dance, despite it being more in my own head than through my body. The hope was that I'd be fit enough to fully appreciate it, and I guess I was. Ok, I stumbled a lot, but it didn't stop me dancing. Mission accomplished? Yeah, I had great fun! The day before I wondered if I might find it too much emotionally, but no, it was fine. The people were last gathered together at Cai's wake, a mix of friends through me and Cai. It was a pleasure to see how well the various social groups inter-mingled. I do enjoy breaking down people's barriers. A good time was had by all, and dawn arrived without us even noticing! (Photo: New year's party, life got blurred)

Life has slowed down a lot since then, I'm expecting to go back into hospital soon for the last operation to reconstruct the ligaments in my left knee. All I can do is keep working my legs, to build up their strength, and wait patiently for the surgeon to become available. At least I seem to have accepted there is little I can do! Or have I? Actually, yes, I have! If I hadn't I'd be pushing harder, I wouldn't be sat around bored so much. So I've lost the strength of mind to keep pushing, my energy levels have been pretty damned low. This is exagerated by the seasonal shite going down, and the length of time I've been recovering from injuries. I'm fed up with it all, the wet and cold weather, which gives me more problems, the period of recuperation, my limitations. I'm well and truly fed up, I've had enough struggle. Happiness comes from our own hearts, it is our own responsibility. It can be hard to maintain without some outside influence though! The knack is to remain grateful, simpley for being alive, whatever your circumstances. (Photo: A likely looking crew of party goers - New year's party)

In all honesty though, it's not good enough for me just to be alive, I need more out of life! I need things to inspire me, I relish change and challenge. The constructive way to look at my most recent setback is that I rose to the challenge, I got back on my feet. Both true, and both far from over. There is still the boring donkey work now, tediously applying myself to my regime of exercises. Great, but it isn't enough! I can't yet train fully, I can't get in the gym and go for it, can't, can't can't.... I think that demonstrates it really, I've been concentrating on what I can't do, rather than on what I can do. Or even better; I should be pushing for what I will be able to do, if I maintain a positive attitude. The rewards will surely reflect the effort put in! Each week, as I push myself further, I walk with more confidence, for longer distances. Hey, I even go for daft walks in howling storms. That was so nice, it feels so long since enjoying a battle with the forces of nature, A shame it's stopped snowing already, it didn't settle enough, I wanted to go out and enjoy it! (Photo: Jamie and Penny - Sleeping off the night before, Port Sunlight, Liverpool)

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