Monday, 23 March 2009

Up, up and away!

What a lot of anger! Just below the surface, ready, waiting, hoping for an avenue of escape. Am I too far into a rut to vent this anger? Maybe I’m too fed up with the abundance of shite in our world, unwilling to contribute my own share. If the truth be known, I don’t give a damn as to the whys or where-fores, it just is! It stands to reason there will be plenty of anger harboured due to losing Cai, I don’t have a worthy target though. There isn’t anything to focus these destructive feelings on, and isn’t that beneficial? To be faced with a responsible party, to bite into the legal crusade of liability, surely that in itself would consume me. I’ve been looking for direction in my life to lead me away from destructive influences, or feelings; I’d rather not taint myself. Why add to the feelings of contention?

The knack has to be concentrating on whatever brings out the constructive side of me, which is what I’ve been trying to do! OK, so I haven’t been up and raring to go, ready for anything. But I have been getting my arse into gear, ensuring I don’t cop out of regular exercise. Most weeks a couple of visits to both the gym and swimming pool have been managed, it doesn’t matter the aftershock. It may cause my limbs grief, but each week seems to enable me to do a bit more. How I’d love to run, jump, dance about, be daft and get dizzy with the thrill of it: I can’t though, so there’s no point doing my head in about it! It’s purely a matter of knowing my limitations, and constantly pushing them. There is little desire to push myself short term, but I desperately want to recover fully, so I must overcome this lethargy. I WILL NOT SUCCUMN!!!!

So many times in my life I’ve been gagging at the bit, desperate to get out for the weekend, dance my ass off. Recently the thought has been deplorable, I’ve not wanted to face hoards of people. Had a lingering desire to strut my stuff, but not felt too capable. New year felt more like falling around in time to the music, it made for an interesting dance style. So when asked to go out for friends to Hendre Hall I wasn’t keen, I hadn’t been there since Cai’s wake, didn’t know how I’d handle it! I didn’t feel strong, felt too vulnerable, physically and emotionally. Throwing caution to the wind (sounds more like me) I agreed to go. It was seen more as another hurdle to overcome, face my fears, expose myself to situations where I felt vulnerable. Let’s face it, I could always sit quietly and get hammered, whilst the rest lived it up on the dance floor. It’s obvious, writing this, just how far I’ve withdrawn into myself!

Listening to dance music at home, or friend’s, has really got me going. My body was screaming out to boogy, and a slight wobble in time to the music was not enough to satisfy my desires. The music at Hendre was very good, courtesy of Les Patteson, the Orb. I literally danced myself off my feet, nearly fell over and dozed is a corner for the end of the night. Call it primal urge, if you wish, maybe an immature reluctance to grow old and boring; fact is, music does a very good job of stirring up my soul! I live for the joys of life, as if you hadn’t realised, and whatever fills me with joy is likely to be the focus of my attention. Simple things please simple minds! With my knee operation looming I’ve had to keep my mind occupied, and so, at last, I had my first Micro-lite plane flight.

These flexible wing planes have always given me the impression of being little more than flying motorcycles! And I wasn’t wrong! The whole feeling of exposure, freedom and being at one with your machine are there in abundance. The controls are fairly simple, you don’t need a degree to understand the basics and very little space is needed for takeoff and landing. Wow, what a travel tool! The art of banking, climbing and diving are all purely a matter of ‘getting the feeling’ of the controls. It is so interactive, largely emphasised by the exposure. It was breathtaking climbing to 5,000ft and hovering over Snowdon’s peak. Following the Menai Straits was awesome, what a great way to go hunting for large sea creatures; the clarity of water was so good. I could easily imagine catching a glimpse of a Whale shark, or dugongs; any of the harder to find stuff. Not so easy to go diving from, though I’m sure where there’s a will there’s a way!

Perfect timing really, two flights within three days of going back into hospital. I wanted a pleasure flight to dwell on during my recovery, you know, something to look forward to. Trouble was, I returned after the next day for my first lesson. Now, was that predictable or what? Surprisingly, it did take a while to sink in, I hadn’t been overcome with excitement on the first flight. It was excellent, but not wild; mind blowing yes, an adrenalin it wasn’t. It relaxed me, put me into a higher sense of being (ha ha, no pun intended), made me feel so detached from the rest of the world. Only after a few hours did I suddenly realise how awed I’d felt throughout the flight, no wonder I’d been so quiet at the end. It pretty much took my breath away, it was beautiful. So, of course, I had to treat myself to a lesson, see the extent I needed to heal before flying again. All I can say is watch this space!

For seven months I’ve pushed myself, getting as fit as possible before my final operation, the reconstruction of my left knee. By grafting ligament from my hamstring, they have made a replacement for my AC ligament. It did necessitate a few holes drilled through my Tibia and Fibia, to thread the new ligament through. But what’s a few holes between friends? If it gives me the chance to run again, I have no qualms! From the way my legs have been, I was starting to worry whether such things would be possible again. Apparently yes, there should be no reason why not. I find myself almost reluctant to believe it, can it really be true, full use of both legs? Like many an early diagnosis for pregnancy, I’d rather wait a while to make sure, there are still too many variables! Besides, from the pain and awkwardness of using my limbs, there is still a long way before that might be. I’ve managed to keep mostly positive for too long, to give up now; another six months and maybe, just maybe, I could be cruising over the great plains of Africa, taking in elephants, giraffes, wilderbeast.......

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