Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Nicaraguan interlude!

A week, of mainly surfing, has gone by pretty quick, very enjoyable, with noticeable improvements in my surfing. For a number of days I've been getting out to the back line of surfers, and going for the bigger waves, it was exhausting battling through all the broken surf. Once clear though life got much easier; relaxed, riding over the smaller sets, just waiting for that wave. The one that's gonna let you have a rush of pure energy, sweep you along with such amazing power: or, lift you from behind, over the crest, and smash you into the bottom of the tube, nose first. Where your world becomes absolute mayhem! You'll experience being rolled and battered, unable to see anything, hear 'owt, but a crashing roar, or even sense which way is up! Hey, surfing is fun; isn't it?

For eight days I've been hiring a surf board, it has been worth it, though I used it less frequently after the initial five days. There were too many thoughts fogging my mind, too much diverting my attention away from surfing. But that is the cause for the sport not sucking me in, nothing to do with the fun of actually surfing. There is a time and a place, this ain't it, much to my regret!

Despite being physically exhausted I was loving the activity, a new, exciting form of past time for me. It was obvious after the first couple of days, it is no good pussy footing about; get out there and hit the real stuff. And so the battering began, time and again being rammed into the maws of the tube, pointy end first and having to bail out. But that one time you manage, to not only rise to the board, but stand/crouch and feel stable. Wahoo, just like a bike, you lean over and it turns! Each time you pull it together at the right time, the frustration is worth it. I feel happy to have managed to get up and ride a wave, the pommelling were all a part of it; but the fight against the breaking surf, getting out, was so tiring.

Two days in a row I had the board ripped out my hands by breaking surf, once trying to get through it, the other whilst nose diving from the top of a decent wave. My shoulder didn't like it at all, I thought I'd rip it out it's socket, not another old injury come back to plague me. Gave me serious concerns over injuring myself. And what a massive difference that had on my surfing! I halved the number of times I had been going out, even reduced the length of time spent out. That was about when I started getting my head into travel mode; knowing this wasn't the time to stop and take on a whole new meaning, or direction, in my life. It brought to light the battle within, the emotional turmoil, the conflict of competing desires. Do I really want to continue, can I, even should I, go home; have I done enough now? What is enough, who is it for, what is it for, and how much can I endure? This is proving to be a hell of an endurance challenge for me, and I don't mean physically!

The resistance to be setting off again was immense, too little motivation and too much indecision being the cause! For three days I've been withdrawing a bit more each day, emotions have been sweeping through me whenever I think of home, Cai or his birthday. For some strange reason his upcoming birthday feels a huge barrier, more than Christmas, New Year and my own birthday combined. At least that is the observation I've made, it's Cai and his birthday that bring forth the tears, I guess that doesn't mean it's the only cause though. Whilst riding down through Honduras and Nicaragua I was battling with thoughts of having a break, a respite home, or to the States, before tackling South America. My batteries are very low, shit and grit are the only things that keep me going. The shit that's recently happened in my life; the grit, my immensely stubborn streak that refuses to give up the ghost.

Whenever my thoughts have strayed home it is with mixed feelings! Mainly people have been getting on with their lives, no doubt preoccupied. Few will have been able to sustain the attention and depth of feeling to Cai's death that I've allowed myself. Whatever their intention, the inclination is to become more entwined with the immediate daily concerns. Isn't that why some of us work our butts off to overshadow the pain? Some can't do that stuff, at least not indefinitely? In bereavement, as in life itself, we have our own ways of getting through it. But folks, I'd love to be within a safe haven, to enjoy the welcome and hospitality of friends and family! I guess to have the protection of trusted people, a blanket against the worst.

So I won´t knock those who choose a more mundane slot, embracing life as expected by our culture and rules. After all if you fight against something, it's less of a struggle if you don't actually desire it. I do want to go home, I could face what that represents. The conflict is that I do not want to leave this trip uncompleted, don't want to risk giving up, don't want to take that leap from home back to south America again. Looks to me as if just getting on and doing this is the best way forward, bugger the soppy sentiments. Maybe folks feel I have every right to feel self pity, I don't! Self pity is not a very healthy feeling, and it certainly doesn't make you strong or improve your resolve. So stuff it, I have to face myself every morning. If there was ever any meaning in this journey it's still there, Cai hasn't come back to life! I still need to respect myself and my commitment to whatever I choose in life, and I still need to feel I've honoured Cai, by completing what we set out to do.

I'm not desperate to to go home, I´d so like to share some time with friends though. I miss the open pleasure gained from being with those you know and trust, even if there are things you don't appreciate about them. Hey, you can always accept faults in others, or talk about it. At least you should be able to, these are fairly simple social skills; whether difficult or not. We have so much more conditioned rules and expectations on our western society, what a shame we can´t just get on with our lives, and allow others that freedom; without bitching about it. Sounds like heaven, shame I've not managed to arrange a tour there yet, probably be filled with day trippers though!

No comments: