Thursday, 8 May 2008

A long way down, but digging in the heels!

Compared with the journey I've just made, being home has proved more effective in beating me down and keeping me there. My emotions have plummeted, there has been no enthusiasm for life, or sense of purpose. I've been sucked into the quagmire where, with a gallant effort, I'm trying my damnedest to keep my head above the surface. Why I bother is beyond my comprehension; but I will not just curl up and let my spirit die. Believe me, I feel like doing just that, but still something inside refuses to give up. I don't want to drift into an empty, thankless life; I don't want to fade into obscurity, another victim of Cai's accident. I'm very much in the here and now, which explains the disparity of emotions, I believe in moving on, though without Cai....

A day can pass without me even realising it! If I allow it the months would fly by with me in emotional torpor. Being aware of impending financial pressure does not worry me unduly, I just don't give a damn! For days on end I've lazed around, not wanting to do anything, achieving nothing and caring even less. This is another aspect of grieving, something else to contend with on the road to healing. Never a willing participant in life's boring, mundane demands, it is these that leave me wanting to cop out. I still have my moments of unadulterated tears, but those I can handle, it's the hum-drum nature of everyday life that I can't be bothered about. I just want to sell the house and caste off into a new life!

One thing I have learnt while travelling the Americas was acceptance, there is no point in denial, you have to face your shit eventually. Which is why it was time to come home! It's also wise to recognise things you have no control over, issues you can do nothing about. It's no good beating yourself up over things you can't change, save the effort for what you can effect. And so I find myself not feeling bad over issues of Cai's death, yet dissatisfied due to my lack of motivation. Distractions are the best I can hope for right now; even if it only means a few hours working in the garden, that's an achievement. Things are getting organised, I am improving my property to sell, I'm exercising regularly and looking after my health. Hey, I've even earned some money! I've built a lovely fence and been flashing my bits at artists, so I'm not a total sluggard.

It's touching to see the people who's thoughts and feelings are with me, even the well wishes of strangers around the village are consoling. The involuntary cringing at the sight of casual acquaintances has diminished, gone are the feelings of awkwardness. I'm happy to excuse myself, if that's the way I feel. I guess I'm slightly in danger of being contented in my head space, it's copable with, but there is still so far to go. I've a strong need to talk about Cai with people, not avoid the subject, that's as if Cai never existed. I can't handle the feeling that people are worried about upsetting me, afraid to broach a sensitive subject and cause me grief. HELLO!! Cai dying was the greatest loss of my life, why would I not want to share memories of him? I need to integrate his memories into my new life, which is the only way forward. How long this process of grieving goes on for is any one's guess, I don't concern myself with such questions, just get up in the morning and face the day! And hey, the sun's out, the countryside is beautiful and I've now got two bikes to ride.

Yep, the beast has arrived home! My bike has finally reached me in North Wales, it's only taken since mid-February, nearly three months. It was with great excitement that I laid into the packing crate, so much so the driver got well away and left me to it. Mind you, he nearly put a hole into his own roof in his enthusiasm to wreck the remaining crate. It only took one push of the button, once I disengaged the kill switch, for the bike to start; believe me, that put a smile on my face! So how nice is it to have my tried and tested, dirty beast back? It feels weird after thrashing the pants off my lean, mean, racing machine. Hmmm, I pulled back the throttle and nothing seemed to happen!

Since arriving home the desire to get writing again has been put off, lethargy has got the better of me, which I must be honest about. It's therapy for me, it helps, and yet the words have eluded me. There again, I must be honest with myself; I have not had the enthusiasm to sit down and allow it to flow. The main excuse has been the absence of my hand written personal journal (did you really think I would tell you everything?), not any more, it arrived safely with the bike today! So there we go, no more excuses, the only thing to stop me now is my own strength and determination. I'm not stupid enough to claim there is no way except up, but up is the direction I'm looking in now. I know many have been waiting, wondering what comes next, concerned for my welfare, or eagerly awaiting the next episode of..........(Oops, started building up for a very dramatic ending there, but my heart isn't quite in it yet!)I haven't gone to ground, you don't get rid of me that easy, I'm just taking my own sweet time.

A slide show and description of my journey is to be shown:

6.00 pm - Thursday 22nd May

Y Caban,
Nr Llanberis

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