Saturday, 21 June 2008

Goodbye golden dream machine!

So much, yet so little, has happened in the last couple of months. In many ways it seems life has not progressed at all; my ability to cope has improved massively, yet I often feel as bereaved as ever. At these times the severity and suddenness of grief is overwhelming. A couple of weeks ago I was poleaxed, without forethought or warning, brought to my knees by wracking tears, fighting to maintain a grip on my sanity. And I kid you not, I thought I'd moved past such uncontrollable emotions, it really took me by surprise. The funny thing is, I don't feel I want to lose that sense of loss, whether or not I acknowledge the need to move on. I don't want to lose the rest of my life to such harrowing grief, but nor do I want to forsake the myriad thoughts and memories of Cai. I want to turn those thoughts and memories into smiles and lovely feelings for the wonderful times I got to share with Cai.

The presentation of my slide show went extremely well, so well in fact I found it hard to accept the praise heaped upon me. For me it was important to systematically relive my journey, but only the physical aspect of it. I'm not sure it makes sense, there was a need to separate the physical and emotional aspects. While travelling everything was wrapped up in an emotional quagmire, emotions dictated where, when and how everything occurred. Since returning home I've been unable to recount the physical journey without being embroiled in the emotions again. I needed to rectify this, I wanted to share the many wonderful photos, the experience untainted by grief. It done it for me, it seemed to for those attending. So thank you for coming, it was a pleasure for me, very therapeutic!

Despite my Kawasaki being home I haven't managed to get it registered for the UK yet, a combination of me being lethargic and over zealous jobs worthies in the vehicle inspectorate. It would have been lovely for people to have seen it parked outside for my presentation, legalities wouldn't allow though, I didn't want to risk running foul of the law really. As it turned out it was good everyone got to see my Triumph before I wrote it off! Yes, my lovely yellow peril has bitten the dust! It came off so much worse than me, I only have a broken wrist, the triumph is not looking good. A council van swept in from the side of the dual carriageway forcing me into the central barrier, ouch! So, at least six weeks in plaster caste and an enormous amount of frustration at not being able to do anything. Oh well, I guess I won't have to go through the process of selling it now! that is of little consolation. Hopefully by the time I get my caste off the kwacker will be registered, then let the fun begin.

Do I sound complacent about being involved in yet another accident? I've lost my son, done in my knee and now broken my wrist; all due to motorcycle accidents! The common question has been, "don't you think there's a lesson in there?" There may well be for some, I have more resilience though. A crucial question for any accident involving more than vehicle is, "who's fault was it?" Honesty here is vital, if you are not honest you're travelling down the road to certain extinction, especially being a bike rider. There are safe parameters when riding, this doesn't mean nothing can happen, you can never guarantee that. Optimised, these give you the best chance of survival, minimised and you're constantly exposed to serious injury. There are many levels in between these two extremes. I know I have a reckless nature, but I try to keep this within safe margins when riding. I can't always predict what another road user is going to do, as I'm more at risk I try very hard to make allowances for the most incompetent reaction from other drivers. At times I can be slightly more lax, but that doesn't mean I have caused the accident, my only fault being I didn't predict and act according to avoid it.

Disabled or not, I've decided to accept a very kind offer to come away on holiday to Cyprus. A fortnight to kick back and relax, which is good as I can't do a lot more. We're lucky really, our villa is in a very quiet part of the north island. We may well be within a small estate of British ex-pats, luckily most villas have yet to be moved onto and they have all been finished. Driving around the coast there are many areas of really gross development, another victim of massive expansion of rich Europeans taking advantage of cheap accommodation to invest in. As is so often the case, it is fast becoming a little Britain, they rarely integrate or adopt the local language. So the Turk Cypriots who learn English benefit immensely, they get more than their fair share of trade. How long before the local populace realise their culture is being lost to the influx of foreign nationals? How much of their beautiful island has to be lost to foreign money before they realise the environmental devastation.

I must be fair, it isn't just Brits, there is a general exodus from Europe into poorer, less developed countries. It is just happening at a phenomenal rate here, Thailand is the only other
place I've seen it on such a massive level. Both these places sport continuous blocks of newly developing accommodation to satisfy the craving of foreigners. Both seem oblivious to the effect on the general populace, it isn't the normal every day people who benefit here, they're priced out the market. They don't even get much of the work supposedly brought into the country, ex-pats do like sticking together!

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