Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Karaoke King.....

Its been remiss of me to forget the followers of my blog, whilst my immediate journey may have come to a rest, the emotional one has a long way to go yet. The interest and support over the last twelve months has been a great help to me, in fact at times it was what gave me the strength to continue. For family and friends at home my return has meant a release from their long distant concern, but I've been both short sighted and self possessed. My consideration for everyone else was so much more acute while travelling, since coming home I've lost that, I've been too entrenched in my own immediate world. My apologies, I like to believe I'm a better person than that! I'll make more of an effort, as I would like to continue writing, and I really appreciate everyone who does read my blog.

I'm still in Cyprus and being treated to a wonderful time by my host! I'm not really one for quick two week visits to holiday resorts, but for this one I'm truly grateful. Ain't it nice to be looked after so well, without demands or expectations? breaking my wrist only a week before coming away would have made it a nightmare coping alone, luckily I haven't had to. I can't really cook, drive, clean up or do much else for myself, I can barely dress myself. So its with eternal gratitude I've been catered for, transported to the various beauty spots of the island, accompanied when-ever and where-ever I want, even left in peace as I desire.

Why do I make such a point of this to you all? Because I only know Sandra through my blog! Someone who thought I could do with a short break, hoping it would encourage me to write that book she knows I would like to keep making progress with. And so the poignancy of my appreciation of my blog readers becomes clear, I owe a lot to you all. There are still comments being made from total strangers which bring home how helpful my writing is for some. It feels so good to realise, anew, how useful it can be for others suffering bereavement, to feel they are not alone. I know it has helped me so much, so often. You know such people understand how you feel, they may make judgements on the levels of grief felt, depending on the relationship of those lost; but any loved one lost is torturous!

Another important marker approaches, the anniversary of Cai's death! How I can even refer to it as an anniversary is beyond me; aren't they dates for celebration? Again for this important date I've chosen to be away from home, I've chosen to distance myself from the place we shared so much of his life. It was our sanctuary, our safe haven, our place of happiness. Small wonder I can barely stand to be there, no surprise I know I must move out, move on, to find a new life! Every day the temptation to run away hounds me, it isn't any solution now. It still represents my main stumbling block, I must sort it out before starting afresh! Its fine finding distractions, but they don't get you over the loss; they merely take your thoughts away from the pain. I still believe the only way to overcome this, in the long run, is to face it, challenge it full on and work through it. But I must beware my whole life is not lost in doing so, that is the danger!

Unlike me, I haven't been able to just lay in the sun for hours. Within a fairly short time my wrist and hand swell, the pressure inside the caste gets uncomfortable and I have to sit indoors, with the air con, to cool down. Of course there are quicker ways to achieve this, like holding my arm close to the air con unit and allowing a cool through draft. This has also meant restrictions on driving around, again it induces swelling and discomfort. We have been out a bit, but no luxuriating on golden beaches, no jumping in the water, no swimming and no potentially dangerous activities. The silver lining, as there is to most things, I've sat down and started writing again, which has put me back in touch with myself more.

Last weekend we got invited to a party on the little estate where we're staying. The resident ex-pats were really nice people, the evening was great fun and I sang karaoke for my first time, "King of the Road." Despite being really nervous about it, it went surprisingly well, by the end I'd settled down and actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed the company, which made me feel a bit unkind in my criticism of ex-patriots, it doesn't make it less true, maybe unfair to only point out the negative aspects of people. Without exception they were friendly, generous, hospitable folk who went out of their way to include us and entertain us. It was a pleasure to to spend the night with them all, I didn't get to bed until 5 am and I was really hammered.

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