Monday, 23 July 2007

The twilight zone

Its strange to say things in an open and honest way, the wrong people have this bad habit of thinking its making a point about them. I could so easily swear with frustration. For anyone who has doubts about their actions in connection with Cai's death: DON'T BE BLOODY STUPID!!! We all need to deal with death in our own way. Giving support to those left alive is just as important as grieving for Cai personally. Helping a grieving person is an admirable thing to do; so don't be paranoid. Its only hypocrits and voyeaurs my angst was aimed at.

Amazement is felt at how quick the initial pain can be overcome. I can get through days without breaking down, read items and look at photos without crying. How amazing is the human system for redirecting our pain? Seems to filter it out so we can cope easier. In one way I wish I could open the flood gates and let out all the pain in one foul swoop. Could I take that much all in one go? Probably not!

Today is the first time I've enjoyed riding since getting back to North Wales. Partly due to how much better our new bikes are than Cai's bike (which I've been riding whilst back); but also not being focussed on the road. Actually, riding has not been the relaxed, easy going experience I'm used to. Hardly surprising, but it has always allowed me to focus and clear my mind under almost any circumstance. Even riding 150 miles straight from Cai's death bed calmed me down. Strange though, being home makes me feel everyone who sees me riding down the road knows what's happened and is looking at me with pity. I know they can't all be, and I shouldn't give a damn anyway, but I hate being seen in that way. Its a double edged sword as well; again allowing people to express their sorrow without allowing it to aggravate mine. Ain't no easy answers really. Of course people want to offer condolensces, but it makes me feel awkeward; for me and them.

It seems so short a time since arriving home, its actually been twelve days. Though I'm certainly ready to go back! It has been good for me to come home, but more so for all those who cherish Cai and me. It seemed to upset people that I felt going to the ashes spreading was more for others than myself. It has been very important for me to be there for others; not just to revel in the attention and support heaped upon me. Its been important for me the support and grieving is a reciprocal thing. It should work both ways, it ain't healthy for life to be one sided. The last thing I should allow to happen now is to waste too mcuh time wallowing in self pity. See for those who meet me, slap me if I've succumned.


Anonymous said...

Don’t matter what others say, its you that matters that’s all. Think only of and for yourself now.
No, Ain't no easy answers, if only life was as easy as that.
I could not offer condolences, I did not know Cai, just you, and there is nothing I could or can do to remove the pain, I feel useless, and unable to say anything.
Over the road, life is normal[ish], and I look towards yours, and think, shite fcuk bollocks. Give me some of the pain and remove it for you, impossible. The tears I had and have are for you pain.
Pete is unable to say nor talk to you, nor look in your eyes; it’s inside him that is empty now. To many, to young, to much, he has seen most, and it’s now emptied him deeply.
He said he will try to pop over at some time to see you before your journey. It’s the word try that he finds hard to do right now.
It’s good to know you have so many friends, they all helped you and for this I am pleased. Maybe if you see Julie again, that friend that Cai called “old lady”, she has something for Cai, maybe you can wear it, just a little bracelet with Cai’s name on it, I am unsure where she lives, but I know her sister, made from beads, and tiny, she had one on to match.
Maybe you have it already?
I feel sorry and deeply upset that I can’t remove any pain for you, but I am happy you are continuing the journey.
These and other words are from inside my heart and soul, Pete, is his own person, and just now cannot find words or feelings, he is empty. But know inside, his thoughts are with you now and always.
when old enough, it is still you Charlie wants to teach him to ride, he could not make up his mind if it was Cai, or you he wanted to teach him, now he said it has to be you. So be careful out there ok, 8 years, and he will come asking again.
If I don’t see you before, huge hugs, and may each tear I cry remove a little of your pain.

Ceridwen Fox said...

hi Les, I just wanted to say that i feel so proud to have been part of Cai's life, although only a small part in recent years. The menmories of you Cai and Gabe, not forgetting Ziggy and Rizla (they scared the crap out of me!!!) staying with us when you came down from Scotland are amongst my fondest childhood memories, and perhaps some of the strongest. I guess what you said about death bringing splintered groups of people back together is true, I met some friends at the tribute I had not seen for some years. I'd like to wish you the very best of luck when you return to America and carry on with the epic journey. Lots of love xxxxxxxxxx