Wednesday, 18 July 2007

Waiting for the world to stop spinning.

And how do we feel today after a visit to Madame Toussourdes? Remarkably unfazed! I’m glad I’ve been to see Cai’s body, but it bears little resemblance to my son and offers no extra in the way of closure. The biggest wish for most people who say the body is why they couldn’t see his hair; his trademark! Personally I wondered why any sane person would dress an 18 yr old man’s body in a white satin cover, with a friggin’ bow at the neck. Poor lad, he had so much more style when he was alive.

A day where I didn’t break down into uncontrollable tears is surely one to be noted. I knew it would be hard coming home, no more so than meeting Cai’s peer group. I’m not doing my head in with guilt, but seeing them made me wonder if I should have been more protective at that initial stage of our riding America. Not that it matters now, to late for all that sort of crap! There ain’t no actions, money or thoughts that can turn back the clock. So the only way is forward. Bit of a shame my forward thinking capabilities seem to be a wee bit skew-iff at present.

The funeral is tomorrow and we’ve got just about everything sorted at the venue for after. I was so worried it was going to turn into a tacky show for all, a load of false sentiments expressed by people of no import. But a bit of trust doesn’t go amiss; people don’t want the obscene or absurd. Now isn’t the time to question the needs of others; now is the time to help them achieve their needs, offer whatever it takes to help them through this time of grief.

I have to admit though, I’ve been so tempted to pull off a stunt to raise a few smiles. I just can’t think of the ONE thing that would make EVERYONE laugh! I suggested kidnapping the body and legging it with the pall bearers, they’d all have to be in collusion though. Of course, there’s the fake customs and excise raid to take the body into custody on suspicion of being used to smuggle drugs from the Americas. But really, I don’t want a laugh, or just a body, I want Cai back! And of course, he ain’t coming; so I might as well let people get on and find some closure. I can’t pee people off with “Cai would want this and Cai wouldn’t want that,” this isn’t for Cai: its for those he mattered to. I thought filling display boards with hundreds of photos of Cai was too much, too bizarre. But after looking and crying every time, they sort of grew on me. It was then I realised I wanted to minimise those reminders that might be too much for me. So why the f**k should I want to do that, I’m so proud of the strength of emotion I have for my son. If losing him makes me feel like crying; I’ll cry unashamedly. I’ll be grateful to share those tears with all available.

Stiff upper lip? Putting on a brave face? WHY?? Why shouldn’t I show my emotions publicly? How pleasant it is to be amongst those who can understand, those who care; I only hope their support for each other will continue for many moons still!

In a horribly selfish way I just wanna get back to California and start my ride. I can’t walk around my village without feeling cut up by memories. Its sensory overload! I have plenty of memories, I can take them with me and do my grieving, on the move. Let it mean something; not for it to be the end of a dream, just a small hiccough!! For my own headspace I need to go away, much as I hate to cut and run; I can’t take it at home!

Thank you, to all those who’ve sent their messages of grief and support. Thanks for the huge presence at my home and at Gabe’s. This event obviously means a lot to many people, so lets shed some tears, smile some smiles and let the memories of Cai light up our future efforts in life.

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