It may have been a hard decision to detach myself so completely over Christmas, but it was the right one! Regaining contact with the world today, has shown what a delicate balance my emotions are still in, contact brought tears to my eyes immediately. I didn't want to spend Christmas day in tears, so detachment was the only way. No-one, who I shared the day with, had any idea about the series of events that seem to rule my life at present. None of them had any idea of the grief I carry so close to my heart, and why should they have? If I'd been an emotional wreck I'm sure I would have explained; I wasn't, so there was no need to put a downer on anyone elses special day.
Coming back from diving on Christmas eve saw a squall of really heavy rain, I was going to have to lie to you all, tell you how hot and sunny it was! As it happened, I awoke bright and early, 6.30 am, to a brilliant hot sun hovering just above the horizon. Phew, I didn't have to fabricate the weather to make you all sick with jealousy; it was glorious. There was not a cloud in the sky, we had a crate of beer, fresh Tuna, a bottle of rum, coke and a myriad of munchies. Santa had turned up the night before, he really made my Christmas. Bearing gifts is certainly the way he came; strange though, I never realised santa was a black dude by the name of Rojer. It was good enough for me though, perfect timing for a favoured relaxant of mine.
There were nine of us in the Hotel, no staff, keys to everything, and a feeling of bliss seemed to pervade the ensamble. It was multi-national, two Americans, two Italians, two Israeli's, two Irish and me; who claims no nationality. We all got on well, contributed to it equally, pitched in equally and enjoyed a calm and peaceful time. There wasn't a single present in sight, all day and matter of fact greetings were given all round. No fuss, no bother; the most unchristmas christmas I've ever experienced. And it was lovely for that, no attempt to avoid it; they don't make such a huge issue of it here. Hey, all the shops on the Cay were open; the cafes were business as normal. Pancakes and coffee for seven in the morning, that's what I call service; if only they'd deliver!!
The barbeque was wheeled onto the sun deck, lit by an expert arsonist, and a nice slow meal was set. Yeah, I took over the cooking, I seemed to have the knack of lighting the damned thing, I may as well cook and take the blame if I cremated the food; but I didn't, it was extraordinarily good. Hell, the spuds were even cooked without any scorching. Damn good effort by my beer providers also, I didn't even have to walk the two metres to the cool box and fetch my own. To top it all off Mary JO appeared with some fire poi, so a bit of fire dancing ensued, she was certainly better on that behalf. Feeling bloated and happy we chilled out, gazing at the glowing from the water beneath us. That was weird, it didn't look like phosphorescence, more like a glow worm than a flash.
Curiosity got the better, investigation made me sure it was actually phosphorescent algae. Only way to check was to get in the water, I was only too glad to oblige, and I'm pleased to say I was right. I tried to encourage people to join me for a snorkel, all but one declined. They all seemed to think it a good idea, until it came to getting in the water. Oh well, they are fairly inexperienced as divers, nor ddid any benefit from a resonable knowledge of the underwater treasures available. I enjoyed it tremendously, the algae was so abundant; every movement was awash with sparks following whichever limb I moved. I couldn't help myself, had to get away form the other guy; he preferred his light on, but that made it only faintly spectacular. In the pitch black it was unbelievably dense, I stayed in water for a while, having never been in such a gorgeous bloom as that one.
And that was about it for my Christmas day, I didn't stuff my face stupid with sickening food, nor did I drink myself into oblivion. Everything was in moderation, and appreciated so much for that. If I'd have got really drunk, or really stoned it would have tipped the balance. I would have broken down, an emotional mess, that wasn't the way I wanted this first Christmas without Cai . I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be in control; I was both, for which I'm grateful. I'm hoping you all had a nice time, maybe not the easiest season for many, but a time which must be lived through once a year; whether you like it or not!! I've generally found the more of an issue you make of not liking it, the worse it feels. Accept it my friends, it could be your last!
So this is how I made the most of Christmas, you have the photo's from sunrise, to the lovely one of the moon rising over Utila Island. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but it just didn't feel like Christmas, my gratitude over that must be announced again; it made a lot of difference. I never wanted to blot Cai from my mind, but organising it the way I did allowed me to detach myself from the last 6months. They've been the hardest I can remember having, but everything dulls down with age. For this year I had my health, my freedom, and the strongest love I've ever known in my heart. What more could a man ask for; other than his fucking son still alive??
It may have been a hard decision to detach myself so completely over Christmas, but it was the right one! Regaining contact with the world today, has shown what a delicate balance my emotions are still in, contact brought tears to my eyes immediately. I didn't want to spend Christmas day in tears, so detachment was the only way. No-one, who I shared the day with, had any idea about the series of events that seem to rule my life at present. None of them had any idea of the grief I carry so close to my heart, and why should they have? If I'd been an emotional wreck I'm sure I would have explained; I wasn't, so there was no need to put a downer on anyone elses special day.
Coming back from diving on Christmas eve saw a squall of really heavy rain, I was going to have to lie to you all, tell you how hot and sunny it was! As it happened, I awoke bright and early, 6.30 am, to a brilliant hot sun hovering just above the horizon. Phew, I didn't have to fabricate the weather to make you all sick with jealousy; it was glorious. There was not a cloud in the sky, we had a crate of beer, fresh Tuna, a bottle of rum, coke and a myriad of munchies. Santa had turned up the night before, he really made my Christmas. Bearing gifts is certainly the way he came; strange though, I never realised santa was a black dude by the name of Rojer. It was good enough for me though, perfect timing for a favoured relaxant of mine.
There were nine of us in the Hotel, no staff, keys to everything, and a feeling of bliss seemed to pervade the ensamble. It was multi-national, two Americans, two Italians, two Israeli's, two Irish and me; who claims no nationality. We all got on well, contributed to it equally, pitched in equally and enjoyed a calm and peaceful time. There wasn't a single present in sight, all day and matter of fact greetings were given all round. No fuss, no bother; the most unchristmas christmas I've ever experienced. And it was lovely for that, no attempt to avoid it; they don't make such a huge issue of it here. Hey, all the shops on the Cay were open; the cafes were business as normal. Pancakes and coffee for seven in the morning, that's what I call service; if only they'd deliver!!
The barbeque was wheeled onto the sun deck, lit by an expert arsonist, and a nice slow meal was set. Yeah, I took over the cooking, I seemed to have the knack of lighting the damned thing, I may as well cook and take the blame if I cremated the food; but I didn't, it was extraordinarily good. Hell, the spuds were even cooked without any scorching. Damn good effort by my beer providers also, I didn't even have to walk the two metres to the cool box and fetch my own. To top it all off Mary JO appeared with some fire poi, so a bit of fire dancing ensued, she was certainly better on that behalf. Feeling bloated and happy we chilled out, gazing at the glowing from the water beneath us. That was weird, it didn't look like phosphorescence, more like a glow worm than a flash.
Curiosity got the better, investigation made me sure it was actually phosphorescent algae. Only way to check was to get in the water, I was only too glad to oblige, and I'm pleased to say I was right. I tried to encourage people to join me for a snorkel, all but one declined. They all seemed to think it a good idea, until it came to getting in the water. Oh well, they are fairly inexperienced as divers, nor ddid any benefit from a resonable knowledge of the underwater treasures available. I enjoyed it tremendously, the algae was so abundant; every movement was awash with sparks following whichever limb I moved. I couldn't help myself, had to get away form the other guy; he preferred his light on, but that made it only faintly spectacular. In the pitch black it was unbelievably dense, I stayed in water for a while, having never been in such a gorgeous bloom as that one.
And that was about it for my Christmas day, I didn't stuff my face stupid with sickening food, nor did I drink myself into oblivion. Everything was in moderation, and appreciated so much for that. If I'd have got really drunk, or really stoned it would have tipped the balance. I would have broken down, an emotional mess, that wasn't the way I wanted this first Christmas without Cai . I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be in control; I was both, for which I'm grateful. I'm hoping you all had a nice time, maybe not the easiest season for many, but a time which must be lived through once a year; whether you like it or not!! I've generally found the more of an issue you make of not liking it, the worse it feels. Accept it my friends, it could be your last!
So this is how I made the most of Christmas, you have the photo's from sunrise, to the lovely one of the moon rising over Utila Island. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but it just didn't feel like Christmas, my gratitude over that must be announced again; it made a lot of difference. I never wanted to blot Cai from my mind, but organising it the way I did allowed me to detach myself from the last 6months. They've been the hardest I can remember having, but everything dulls down with age. For this year I had my health, my freedom, and the strongest love I've ever known in my heart. What more could a man ask for; other than his fucking son still alive??
No comments:
Post a Comment